It's hard to be on time for work. There's a lot of things that can get in the way, such as unexpected traffic delays, requiring a substantial lie in and simply not being arsed with life. Fear not! I've come up with a list of excuses that you can use the next time you're late for work.

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1. Sorry I'm late, I have a strong suspicion that I'm on The Truman Show so I wanted to see if anyone came into the house after I left. 2. Sorry I'm late, I felt a pre-spot burrowing under my eyebrow so I had to perform an excavation. I'd show you underneath the plaster, but honestly, you'd get sick. 3. Sorry I'm late, the car wouldn't start so tried to ring the AA but accidentally dialled my friend Áine and sure we all know she talks for Ireland. Her baby's doing well though! 4. Sorry I'm late, I actually can't stand this place. 5. Sorry I'm late, I stayed up watching Making A Murderer last night and the injustice has made me question general existence as a whole. 6. Sorry I'm late, I had a dream that I was the fifth member of All Saints and I really needed to see if our new album went platinum. (It didn't). 7. Sorry I'm late, I had to wait for my new batch of sea monkeys to arrive in the post and then get them set up. You know yourself what it's like trying to get kids ready in the morning! 8. Sorry I'm late, I was thinking about whether Sasha Obama is truly happy. 9. Sorry I'm late, the fragility of human life is really weighing down on me today. At the end of the day we are all going to die. 10. Sorry I'm late, I thought McDonald's free breakfast was today but it turns out it's tomorrow so I just got a quick few cheeseburgers for the road. 11. Sorry I'm late, I stopped to pet a dog on the way and before I knew it, it was lunchtime. Can I bring you anything back from the shop? 12. Sorry I'm late, I was practicing Cosette's solo from Les Mis in the shower and came very close to nailing it. 13. Sorry I'm late, I had to shout at a driver that failed to thank me after I allowed him out at a busy junction. 14. Sorry I'm late, I could've sworn I saw Channing Tatum on the way in, so I followed him for a while but it ended up being a very bulky barista. 15. Sorry I'm late, I was trying to figure out how blind people know when they're done wiping.