Today, the legend that is John Malkovich turns 62. And so we decided to celebrate in the only way we know how... Here are 18 things it’s funny to think about him doing.

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John Malkovich thinking he has enough money for the bus in his pocket, but ultimately getting on the bus and discovering he is 20c short. John Malkovich getting the right amount of milk in his cereal, without having to finish the bottle. John Malkovich furiously refreshing his Twitter notifications to see if Tyra Banks has followed him back yet. John Malkovich fitting his entire foot in his mouth, then chuckling at how ridiculous that is. John Malkovich running out of phone credit halfway through an important call with his friend about the art of tie-dye. John Malkovich gently brushing his hand off your waist by accident, but intimidating you into apologising. John Malkovich listening to Coldplay’s new CD, then throwing it in the bin because it is garbage. John Malkovich trying to fold a fitted sheet. John Malkovich going to the cinema alone during the day, only to leave early because he got the times wrong. John Malkovich pushing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube, then stopping himself, saying, "No, this is not the way". John Malkovich having an allergic reaction to Kiwis (the fruit, not the people of New Zealand). John Malkovich vaping sparkling water. John Malkovich using a Tangle Teezer while giggling because he has literally no tangles to tease. John Malkovich eating an apricot Frube because it’s his absolute favourite. John Malkovich summoning all his strength not to throw his telly out the window when Homeland ends on a cliffhanger AGAIN. John Malkovich bringing the green bins out, only to see all his neighbours have their brown bins out, so quickly rectifying the situation. John Malkovich unfollowing Tyra Banks because she is an ungrateful little rip. John Malkovich being John Malkovich, watching Being John Malkovich.