Another day, another opportunity to blow a barista's mind with the news I'm drinking in but want my drink in a takeaway cup

— Josh Widdicombe (@joshwiddicombe) July 9, 2015

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits... Pulp Fiction. — Daniel Edison (@DanielEdison_) July 10, 2015

All I get from the Goldilocks story is that mammy and daddy bear no longer share a bed.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) July 10, 2015

a group of kittens is called a litter because kittens are garbage — PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) July 19, 2015

GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

— Mat (@MatCro) July 26, 2015

"Can I pet your dog?" "Sure, but he can be aggressive." [He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose] — Rickyroughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 27, 2015

"I bumped into your wife yesterday" "Oh, where?" "You know the café opposite the S&M club?" "Yes" "Opposite that café"

— Ben (@0point5twins) July 30, 2015

waiter: "have we decided yet sir?" me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] "the margarita pizza please" — k e e t (@KeetPotato) August 12, 2015

[ultrasound] Nurse: it's triplets Me: but my wife only got two titties tho Nurse [looks at my wife]: oh shit she only got two titties tho

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 17, 2015

Welcome to Pessimist Club. Pretty poor turn out this week. I knew it would be. — Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) August 23, 2015

Are you a muggle cuz your outfit looks like it's from The Ministry of Tragic.

— Doth (@DothTheDoth) August 23, 2015

[answers phone during job interview] Sorry, I can't talk, I'm driving [turns head quickly to face interviewer] MY CAREER INTO POLE POSITION — Dan (@ehdannyboy) August 31, 2015

"Why don't you cool it on the dressmaking," I suggested to my wife. "You seamstressed."

— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) September 9, 2015

"dulce et decorum est pro patria mori" - me 2 the biscuit at top of the pack that went stale but protected & kept all the other 1s fresh — kelly (@donlothario) September 10, 2015

Convince neighbours you're shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann's mayonnaise.

— Andy (@ItsAndyRyan) September 12, 2015

Just heard on the radio that Muslim staff in M&S are refusing to sell alcohol, what's next Christian staff in B&Q no selling nails and wood — BradPeacock (@bradpeacock97) September 18, 2015

[spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is "bananas" GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

— studious emma (@ermahgarton) September 20, 2015

If I had a unicorn I'd enjoy it for a week and then I'd probably just leave it in a corner and hang clothes on it. — yellow car punch (@brycoo) September 25, 2015

I couldn't believe what I saw on @C4Countdown today, it was just bang out of order. pic.twitter.com/msmjNitsJD

— Tom Carter (@Pointless_Alias) October 6, 2015

unbelievable... why would someone buy a 4 pack of hedgehogs and just throw one away pic.twitter.com/nFPjb8LTlV — ruined christmas (@ruinedpicnic) October 17, 2015

Someone just told me the Irish word for the number seven. Shocked

— Louise O'Connor (@oconnola) October 18, 2015

About to eat so much cheese the coroner will tell my mom he thinks it was suicide. — Anne Franksandbeans (@finkelsteino) October 19, 2015

This chocolate really put my dog in a food coma!!

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 20, 2015

SQUATCH: Let's go hide in the forest SASS SQUATCH: [mimicking] "Let's go hide in the forest" fuck off pal — bea_ker (@bea_ker) October 22, 2015

ACADEMY: nominees for word of the year are: lit, fleek, and ?. and the winner is… ?! [? goes on stage, takes out acceptance speech] ?: ?????

— jomny sun (@jonnysun) November 17, 2015

What a fucking narcissist pic.twitter.com/xWJfMlucYj — Tiffany (@tiffaynay) November 23, 2015

good cop: looks like we have a serious murder here parody account cop: OMG WHO DID THIS ??

— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) November 30, 2015

[priest bends over my coffin seductively revealing a thong to the entire funeral] — Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) December 1, 2015

I've just had a great idea for a children's book. pic.twitter.com/N2AmIwQVby

— Chris Goode (@beescope) December 8, 2015

Muslim guy dropped his wallet in bullring so I gave it him, he said "thnx don't go Glastonbury 2016", asked why, he said "Muse are playing" — ️ (@CYNICALMATT_) December 11, 2015

Worst Wham cover ever pic.twitter.com/rp6zQfKEL6

— Ewan Burns (@ewanburns_) December 14, 2015

[hospital] SON: I came as soon as I heard. What happened? DAD: The oying hit me SON: What's an oying? DAD: You are, kiddo *dies* — Eldge (@Sickayduh) December 17, 2015

There were seventeen seconds where we technically had no Miss Universe and the universe was vulnerable to attack.

— Mike Scully (@scullymike) December 22, 2015