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12th July 2024
04:17pm BST
We've all had bad experiences while dating, and heard plenty of horror stories from friends.
But is there a way to improve your dating life by being more aware of toxic behaviour?
Her.ie spoke to professional dating coach, Frances Kelleher, on the red flags to look out for in relationships.
We've all heard about taking too long to text back or spending too much time with the lads, but what are some important ones we need to focus on?
"Lack of commitment is the big one. I see lots of people tolerating a lack of commitment because they're scared to lose the guy or afraid of being alone."
"The second big one is lack of communication. They don't talk about their problems or deal with conflict correctly. Conflict isn't bad, it's how you deal with it that's the problem.
"For every negative thing you say you should say five positive things to counteract it."
Sometimes we go through relationships thinking everyone else is the problem, but it's important to recognise our faults too.
"Stand back from the situation and ask yourself, why am I doing this. What am I afraid of? Would I like this if this was being done to me?
"Empathy is a super power in relationships, not just romantic relationships."
Kelleher says that red flags should always be fixed sooner rather than later.
"The longer it goes, the worse the conflict gets and then the love begins to die. People tend to leave it instead of nipping it in the bud and then it festers and sometimes there's no coming back from it then."
Contrary to popular belief, frienships work in the same was as romantic relationships. Communication is just as important.
"One big one is that you are doing all the giving, and the amount you're investing into the relationship is not as much as they are.
"Another one is that your friend bombards you all the time with their problems.
"This is common among women as we need to talk and de stress and vent, but it's when this is happening and they don't even bother to ask you how you are. That's when it's a problem, because it's all about them. These people are draining and that is a warning sign in the relationship."
"When the guy doesn't pay yet he asked you out. I have never seen this end well, not once.
"When a guy is all in, he shows affection by providing in anyway he can. If he's pushing to get physical fast, he's only out for one thing."
Kelleher says this is the best way to gauge a person's true interest.
"By the way people fight and engage during conflict, and if there's a lack of correct communication."
Kelleher recommends a dating coach in the US, John Gottman, who has a proven way of knowing if couples will last.
"He says there are four horsemen in a fight, and when he witnesses them he knows the relationship is doomed."
These four horsemen are criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness.
Stonewalling, according to Kelleher, is when one person withdraws for the conversation and shuts down. It makes a conversation impossible as communication is cut off, and the other person is essentially talking to a wall.
For more expert dating advice, Frances Kelleher's website can be found here.
