Interviews are hard.
They’re stressful and induce far more nerves than they deserve to. Why should a quick chat about whether you’re suitable to work in a coffee shop result in a sleepless night, excessive sweating and a dose of the runs?
I want to live in a world where you can be brutally honest in interviews and still stand a chance at getting the job. Let’s indulge ourselves in this world for a minute.
1. Why do you want this job?
Linda, I won’t lie to you. I haven’t a bean. I finished college and graduated into a world where a trip to the cinema costs €37. I have a life and there are so many stupid things I want to buy such as another family of Sea Monkeys. Please just let me do a bit of work for you here every day in exchange for some money to fund my ridiculous lifestyle.
2. Where do you see yourself in five years time?
Definitely not still running around doing photocopies for you, Linda. I’ll be long gone from here. Hopefully sipping Mimosas on a remote island in Bora Bora with someone very nice. Your grubby little office will be a million miles away from my thoughts, as will the borderline illegal minimum wage you’re hoping to pay me.
3. Why do you think you’re well suited to this job?
I’ve just always had a deep passion for cleaning cinema screens. I’ll devote my life to this important task if you’ll allow me to. Just kidding, I actually got sent this job advert by my Dad and he said I had to apply for it. Let’s call a spade a spade, I don’t want to work here and I certainly don’t care about strictly enforcing your examination of student cards policy. However, I am in a financial pickle and need the money.
4. What’s your biggest strength?
I can tell which chocolate Revels I’m about to eat without even looking at it. I simply use my sense of touch and my wealth of experience in dealing with deceptive Revels in the past. Some say it is a gift and I wholeheartedly agree. I can also juggle three items simultaneously if that’s any use?
5. What’s your biggest weakness?
Literally anything that’s on special offer in Aldi. I go through the catalogue every weekend with a marker and circle the things that I believe will fulfil my life. I have bought a dog bed in the past and I don’t even own a dog. On a side note, if you know anyone that needs a dog bed, please let me know.
6. What motivates you?
Honestly, funding my addiction to Aldi special offers. Also, I’d love to move out of my parents’ house at some point and even buy a car. Call me ambitious but being able to go on a night out and not bankrupting myself in the process would also be nice. Oh and striving to make the best possible decaf Americano for every customer in this coffee shop as well 😉
7. Do you work best as part of a team or alone?
If I can be brutally honest with you Linda, I can’t stand people. I’ve given it my best shot and honestly, they’re just not for me. People are rude, annoying, loud and obnoxious. While I was in reception waiting to be interviewed, I saw a girl walk past and she was wearing kitten heels. It’s my duty, as a potential employee, to flag that with you. Should you hire me, please ensure that I get to be on my own at all times and that my desk is roughly twelve feet away from Kelly Kitten Heel’s.
8. What salary are you looking for?
I’ve literally never been asked this question in my life and I don’t know how to answer it. Honestly, I’d like a lot of money. Not millions now, but enough to carelessly throw away bus change receipts and maybe splash out on a bought lunch twice a week. Is this question even allowed, Linda? What salary are YOU looking for?
9. Do you work well under pressure?
Yes! I completed Crash Bandicoot 3 in the weeks leading up to the Leaving Cert. Everyone said I was crazy trying to do that with the unholy amount of pressure at the time but I sailed through every level with the dedication and ease of a seasoned PlayStation One owner.
10. What will your references say about you?
PLEASE don’t call the first one. She was my Media lecturer and she hated me so much. I did her head in because I was always talking during class but in fairness, she was insufferably boring at the best of times. I got to sit beside my friends for that class and we had a lot of catching up to do. Also, if you’d avoid ringing the second reference I’d also appreciate that. I used to babysit his children and one time he caught me snooping in their utility room when the kids had gone to bed.
