COLUMN: “Today Is The First Day of My New Life… I Have a Problem With Alcohol.”

Editor’s Note:

Today, we at Her.ie were sent the below piece by a reader who went by the alias of Sarah. While we do not regularly post guest pieces on Her.ie, we felt that this young woman’s story deserved to be heard.

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So today is the first day of my new life. Truth be told, this had been coming for a long time. I have come close to doing it a few times but have never had the courage to face my problem. But it has now become impossible to hide from. I have a problem with alcohol.

It’s not that I drink myself stupid every day, or even every other day. In fact since college ended I spend more Saturday nights in than out. To be honest I’m actually quite content with a cup of tea and Winning Streak.

But when I do decide to get glammed up and go out, problems arise. After hours of pre drinking, when I eventually do end up in a bar/club, I am extremely inebriated.

I lose all inhibitions and am only vaguely aware of my surroundings. Keys, passport, driving licence, my phone and several cameras have all been mislaid. I have spent hours talking to random people in the smoking area, filling them in on my life story and genuinely believing they are my new best friend. I have woken up with mysterious bruises and a pounding headache. I once fell down 2 flights of stairs while dancing to 5ive. I have been that girl that sits talking to the taxi driver like he’s Dr Phil.

However all of these things are trivial when I look at the real issue. I have been known to target random men and go home with them, unbeknownst to myself. Since November, I have slept with four different men. I’m not sure of their names, or the circumstances of how we met. Just last week I brought someone home, and the next morning I had to make the trip to the pharmacy for the morning after pill. I have genuinely woken up and thought; Where am I? What is his name? Have we had sex? Did we use protection?

I have also become known as the girl in our group that ‘won’t be home in the morning.’ It scares me that not only has it become acceptable to me, but to my friends too. My friends now view me as someone who will willingly go home with anyone.

I have been extremely lucky to this point. I haven’t contracted an STI and did not fall pregnant. By some miracle I have never been injured or abused. In fact the only thing I’ve got from these encounters is severe embarrassment and shame.

What scares me most is the person I turn in to when I am drunk. I am a professional; I have a steady job, a loving family and a large circle of friends. I am by my own admission, intelligent, confident and bubbly. I am a volunteer, a community advocate and lover of nature. I have no underlying problem; I’m not deeply troubled by anything and have never suffered anything traumatic in my life. I can’t pinpoint exactly what has happened to me, but I believe it’s the fact that I live to please others. If friends are drinking heavily on a night out, I will want to also. If friends are going to the bar for their fifth shot, I’m probably there already.

I would like to point out that while I hate being one of these people that blames things on others, I do believe our culture has made my actions more acceptable. Since all this has started I have laughed it off, reading blogs and news articles about hangovers and alcohol while chuckling and thinking ‘Ah sure everyone does it.’

But I don’t want to be this person anymore. I don’t want to be the girl doing the walk of shame after a night out. I don’t want to be the girl creeping in to the pharmacy the morning after. I don’t want to be the girl who laughs off her actions as ‘banter’ and ‘being good craic.’ I certainly am tired of being someone who spends days upon days crying about her actions and wishing she could take it all back. The fact of the matter is that I’m not good craic; I’m someone with a serious problem and now is the time to face it. 

 

 

The HSE Drug and Alcohol Helpline can be reached on 1800 459 459

See also DrinkAware.ie 

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