In our new series, Her Norm, we are exploring what it really means to be a woman in Ireland today. Through readers’ stories, we aim to examine the disconnect between the societal female ideal, and real experience. Whether that diversity lies in a woman’s own choices, or circumstances beyond her control, we look at the wide-ranging definitions of “normal” in a bid to understand better.
“Objectively speaking I am ugly… It is normal for me, this feeling never leaves and regrettably I let it define and influence my life.”
The first instalment of the series features Her reader Louise (not her real name). She got in touch with us with an incredibly moving, candid and open letter about her daily struggle with self-loathing.
She got in touch with us with an incredibly moving, honest and open letter about her daily struggle with self-loathing.
Louise feels she is ugly, her dissatisfaction with her appearance hangs over her on a daily basis and she does not confide in anyone about her feelings, except for her parents who she says are heartbroken.
Louise wanted to reach out to others who may feel the same way, to let them know that they are not alone. She also issues a plea to people to be careful about the language they use and the comments they make which may reinforce society’s unrealistic expectations.
Here is what she wrote – this is really powerful.
For most girls today, beauty is equated with self-worth and confidence.
I am a 19-year-old student and I have been scorned by my own existence because I do not have “beautiful” qualities and traits.
Objectively speaking I am ugly.
This is not because I am fat, have bad skin or hair. I am tall, slender, long brown hair and brown eyes. I am very sporty and in most situations I am very sociable and outgoing.
When I look in a mirror I am repulsed by my reflection and I feel a big lump surface in my throat as I fight back the tears.
Since the age of 16, I have never attended a disco or party without having used a box of tissues beforehand trying to rescue my unsalvageable face.
At the age of 17, I began consuming alcohol and, unfortunately, it offered me the escape I had longed for, to forget.
I love my friends – they are naturally beautiful girls and they have the confidence I wish to have, in abundance. I wouldn’t confide in them because they don’t understand, how could they?
I have never had a boyfriend and this is because I don’t believe that anyone is capable of liking or loving me. If a guy does show interest I rack my brains thinking what his alternative motive must be.
Rom-coms are another trigger with their unrealistic plot that brings me to tears every time because it reminds me of what I can’t have.
Selfies and cameras for people like me are weapons of self-destruction.
People don’t understand that it takes so much courage to get in the picture on these rare occasions, many times I have had to ask friends could I borrow their phones ‘to ring my mum’ so that I can delete the photos. I would go to any lengths if it guaranteed that my face would not be splashed on social media and susceptible to comments and judgements.
My parents are aware I feel like this and they are the only people I confide in and every few weeks something small triggers and I have a meltdown.
Parents only want the best for their children, every time I have a meltdown I see a little bit of their hearts breaking and I feel selfish.
There is nothing worse when a person feels like this than someone saying ‘I don’t understand, you’re beautiful,’ because you have trusted them enough to confide in them but as far as I can see you are lying to me.
In college, I stopped putting in an effort. Whatever about not putting in an effort, at least, you have an excuse, but when you do and it never pays off you feel 20 times worse so it is easier not to.
The funny thing about all this is that it is normal for me, this feeling never leaves and regrettably I let it define and influence my life. I never live in the moment.
When asked what I don’t like about myself I say everything and that is true and sad. I am a teenager entering into my 20’s I should be full of energy and enthusiasm, but this is dragging me down.
I wanted to share my story and PLEAD with you as the New Year approaches to be conscious of others because you never know who you’re talking to and how they are truly feeling.
My friends and family know nothing of something that consumes my life because I wear a mask. To them, I am a normal girl but they don’t know the real me.
For anyone whom I may have struck a chord with I hope you realise you’re not on your own.
As 2016 approaches I urge you to embrace people’s differences, don’t make people feel they have to conform to society because for some of us it’s out of our control and unrealistic.
As any Irish Mammy will tell ya ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.’
If you or someone you know would like to feature in our Her Normal series, contact [email protected] or [email protected] in complete confidentiality and share your story with our readers.
