Drunken takeaways are vital for sustaining the future of humanity.
We’ve all done a sly departure from a night out, telling friends you’re going to the bathroom, but actually heading straight out the door and into the chipper. Then you pile yourself into a taxi and resist the temptation to horse into the chippies before you get home.
Research has shown that there is a direct correlation between your personality and drunken takeaway choice. Those hazy decisions give a glimpse into the inner workings of your tipsy little psyche.
Here’s what your drunken takeaway says about you.
3 in 1
Yelp
You’re a lunatic. A night out with you is never quiet. You’re not even coy about your plans, you are deeply amused by people that say “we’ll just go for one”, because your modus operandi involves transparency at all times. You’ll text friends saying “Let’s get out of our bins”, and they deeply respect your honesty.
You’re a bit mouthy when you have a few drinks in you. If somebody steps on your toes, best of luck to them escaping the situation without a filthy look from your fine self, along with a very stern talking to. You’ve been drinking Blue WKDs from a young age and consider yourself a vodka and Red Bull connoisseur.
Garlic Cheese Chips
Trip Advisor
You’re a simple gal with simple pleasures in life. You like a tame night out with the girls, free from drama and absolutely no shots under any circumstances whatsoever. You’d never dream of going on a night out during the week because your work cannot suffer due to your out of control (3 drinks then home) lifestyle.
Nobody expects you to be singing Ride On atop a bar counter, you’re more of a singsong in the taxi kind of girl. It’s always a sensible night when you’re involved and there’s no chance whatsoever you’re going to branch out into any drink other than vodka, soda water and lime.
Kebab
Manchester Evening News
Get your life together you absolute disgrace. You spend roughly twelve minutes getting ready for a night out and most of that time is devoted to sniffing your clothes to see which smells the least awful. You’ll head out with very little notice and have a spiffing old time if it kills you.
You go to pubs that have unisex bathrooms and a large amount of graffiti on the walls. You’re a craft beer connoisseur but will drop your standards based on what kind of drinks promotions are taking place in your venue of choice. You’ve worn Converse on a night out and will probably do it again.
Pizza
Serious Eats
You’re an extravagant gal who knows what she wants in life. You enjoy the finer things and have never drunk a brand of alcohol you didn’t recognise. Your college years were drenched in Grey Goose as you disapprovingly looked on your classmates with their peasantry Glen’s Vodka.
You deleted the Hailo app on your phone and now operate solely on Uber because the cars are nicer. You reserve tables in nightclubs and feel physically sick when commoners try to chat you up. Don’t they know your Dad is the highest earning partner in KPMG?
Chicken Nuggets
Serious Eats
It’s likely you’ll be in the Guinness World Records for being the biggest session mot in all the lands. You go hard and then you (sometimes) go home. Pre drinks are vital and you’ve been known to produce a cheeky naggin from your knickers in the middle of the dance floor.
The proposition to get food after the night out is rarely yours, as you consider eating to be cheating and you’d much prefer another jar. You somehow end up in McDonalds and feel obligated to get something to begin the soakage process in your tum tum: Nuggies and maybe even chippies if it takes your fancy. STOP POURING VODKA IN MILKSHAKES IT WILL CURDLE.
“There’s food at home”
You’re tighter than Donald Trump’s wig. Everything is a rip off according to you. Paying €5 into the nightclub sends you into an immediate rage which can only be alleviated by the knowledge that tap water is still free in this day and age, but for how long, says you.
Friends gather at the end of a night out, debating where to land next, but you press on, safe in the knowledge that there’s a batch of discounted bread waiting for you at home. Sure isn’t €20 enough to be paying for a taxi, you’re hardly going spending €5 on food as well. You’re not made of money for Christ’s sake.
