Wine not?
People lose their reason over a cheeky midweek glass of wine. Nine times out of ten, a glass of wine is consumed solely for the purpose of a smug Snapchat along with the caption ‘Sure what else wud u be doing…‘
You can tell an awful lot about a person based on what type of wine they choose to consume. Sit back and prepare to learn.
1. Chardonnay
There’s a real shortage of board games at your house because you haven’t got a Clue doh. The waitress asked what wine you wanted and you panicked. The first word that came to mind was Chardonnay. You can’t even spell Chardonnay, but it feels exotic when you pronounce it with a heavy ‘ay’ at the end. It just rolls off the tongue!
Gun to your head, you’d bet a large sum of money on one of the girls from All Saints being called Chardonnay. You’re a good-time gal who just wants to have fun and you’re fully aware that this golden liquid will leave you drunker than Gerard Depardieu on a long-haul flight.
2. Prosecco
Are you the most reasonably priced range in H&M? Because you’re basic. A night out with the girls generally begins with a cheeky glass of prosecco to wash down the bite of dinner. Then, you’ll suggest that it’s cheaper to split a bottle. Here’s where your truly basic nature comes out: All you want is a comfy seat in the smoking area with table service and an overhead heater. Woe betide anyone that suggests otherwise. This is YOUR night.
Two bottles of prosecco later and you’re on your ear. The girls are laughing at how you had a smug little caesar salad for dinner, but now you’re offering to buy the taxi man a bag of chips if he’ll stop off so you can get some chicken nuggets on the way home. You’re a disgrace.
3. Sauvignon Blanc
People better brush up on their worldly knowledge when you’re around because you’re going to pollute their ears with tales of your extremely eventful and well-travelled lifestyle. You’re a show-off and every situation is an opportunity to impress. The barman fully expects to see you glaring over the counter to make sure he’s opening a fresh bottle for you.
You see yourself as a bit of a wine connoisseur, God forbid word ever got out that you frequently buy a cheeky midweek bottle of white in Lidl. You look down on fans of Chardonnay and pity their offspring for having to deal with such common tendencies.
4. Rosé
Every day presents a new challenge for you to prove to the world how quirky and exciting you are. You wore flower crowns roughly six years before everyone else, and don’t we all know thanks to your constant reminders. You’ll suggest strange places to go drinking, places that have unisex toilets, play loud music and have graffiti on the walls.
Despite all these efforts to seem unique and eccentric, you’re a simple soul at heart. All you want is a glass of house white with a packet of scampi fries. Alas, you’ve carefully carved out this quirky bravado and now, unfortunately, you’re stuck with it until the end of time.
5. Pinot Noir
Are you the 2010 indie movie that earned Mo’Nique her Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress? Because you’re Precious. You’re dripping in affluence and lavish accessories, refusing to consume wine at anything other than the most pretentious of premises. If there isn’t a gentleman in a top hat opening the door to greet you, it is a dive in your eyes.
You’re friends with at least three minor celebrities in Ireland and drop their names at any given opportunity. You’ll sometimes refer to Pinot Noir as ‘peen’, which your friends tolerate but ultimately find incredibly irritating. Your children, Fiachra and Saoirse, often feel the wrath of your ‘peen’ hangovers and have to cook their own quinoa.
6. House Wine
You are scum. Ok, not really. People admire your brazen attitude where you openly admit that you haven’t a notion about wine. You’re not in the wine business for your love of subtle lavender notes, you want to get out of your bin as cheaply as possible.
Do you want to taste the wine? “Nonsense, my good sir. Lash that straight into the glass and fill it all the way to the top. Don’t hesitate to spill a bit on the table, I will lick it up as soon as you leave”.
