The start of a new year is the perfect time to reinvent yourself and turn your life around.
While it’s easy to slip into old habits, I’ve come up with a foolproof way of successfully achieving the highly sought-after ‘New Year New You’.
Plastic Surgery
If you want a new you for the new year, the easiest way to do so is by completely changing your body. Simply arrange a consultation with a leading plastic surgeon and have them design a new face and body for you. If you’re struggling for inspiration, I recommend reading a few magazines and watching Hollyoaks. Pick your favourite person, bring the plastic surgeon a photo and hey presto – after several life-threatening surgeries and a lengthy, not to mention emotional recovery process – new you!
Name Change
If the costly method of plastic surgery isn’t your thing, I have a solution: IDENTITY THEFT! This is the quickest way to achieve a new year new you and probably the most effective method, albeit potentially a very short-term solution. Find a name that best suits you. Again, I recommend reading some magazines, watching Hollyoaks and maybe browsing the internet. Having been a victim of partial identity theft myself, (Keira Knightley you absolute wagon), I understand the implications of this method, but I am still actively encouraging it. You go girl!
Abandon All Morals
This method of new year new you takes some time, but people will genuinely be baffled at who you’ve become. The AAM system works best with people that are generally very decent and caring. You need to essentially turn yourself into the biggest wagon going. Push babies over in their prams, steal from the church collection plate, tell your Granny she smells. Nobody will recognise you! Given that this is a risky procedure, make sure you start on 1st January, giving yourself the option of claiming it was an elaborate April Fools prank on 1st April, should you find this way of life isn’t for you.
Upgrade
iPhones get upgrades every couple of months, so why can’t we? First, navigate your way to the App Store and check if your life is due an update. If it is, that might fix some minor glitches you’ve been having in terms of personal finances and Candy Crush level 177. If you find yourself without an update, simply contact the original manufacturer (your Mam, presumably) and hassle her until she provides some form of an upgrade on your life. Simple.
New Ewe
This is a cheeky one, given that realistically a new year new you is impossible, so why not purchase a NEW EWE. Technically it gives you bragging rights to announce to the world (only in spoken form or you’ll be caught out) that you have successfully obtained a New Year New Ewe™. Ewes are gorgeous this time of year and they come in a variety of colours and sizes. Talk to your local farmer or livestock salesman about getting yourself a new ewe today.
