“It Was Like Eating A Sandwich While Swimming” – Happy Birthday Simon Cowell, 20 Of His Greatest Insults

Our favourite ‘Mr. Nasty’ turns 55 today, and for the majority of his years here on earth, Simon Cowell has been telling it like is, dishing out some of the harshest (and hilarious) comments known to man.

The Dad-of-one is the creator of the most successful music talent shows in history and for years has been critiquing hopefuls trying to make it in the music business. Although he does seem to be a big softie beneath it all, Cowell has a razor sharp tongue and an endless amount of insults to throw.

Here are 20 of the worst/greatest comments Syco has ever said to contestants.

 

 

1. "It was like eating a sandwich while swimming" Your performance was all kinds of wrong.

2. "Your mouth is far too big when you sing. It's like looking into a cave. I've never seen anything so huge in my life. Absolutely terrible." It is not aesthetically pleasing when you perform.  

3. "There are only so many words I can drag out of my vocabulary to say how awful that was." It really wasn't his cup of tea. 

4. "You came in, you called yourself champagne and you sounded like house wine." It wasn't what he was expecting.

5. "You doing that ballad is rather like casting Ricky Gervais as Rambo." It just didn't work.

6. "It was exactly identical to a nightmare I had last week. I'm being serious. A week before I was due to start this, that is what woke me up in the middle of the night." Your performance was scary and not in the Scary Spice kind of way.

7. "In every single way, that was everything I hated." You should probably leave now...

8 "Let me throw a mathematical dilemma at you – there's 500 left, well how come the odds of you winning are a million to one?" You've a very, very small chance of winning.

9. "Shave off your beard and wear a dress. I think you’d be a great female impersonator." You remind him of an ex...

10. "You have the personality of a handle." You are a little dull.

11. Do you have a singing teacher? Do have lawyer? Get a lawyer and sue her." When it comes to notes, you have none of the vocal kind.

12. "It was a bit like ordering a hamburger... and only getting the bun." Disappointing to say the very least.

13. "What was that song? Darling, it's not just that you have a bad voice... you were singing notes that have never been invented." You have an unusual vocal range.

14. "You have one of the worst voices I have ever heard. That is how far removed you are from this competition. It is almost non-human." You should try another ambition...

15. "Just what we needed—Sylvester Stallone's younger sister singing Paula Abdul."There is only room for one Sylvester and Paula according to Simon.

16. "I don't know what cat being squashed sounds like in Lithuania but I now have a pretty good idea." He loves animals but doesn't love you. 17. "If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning." You should stick to the day job. 18. "You look a little odd, your dancing is terrible, the singing was horrendous, and you look like one of those creatures that live in the jungle with the massive eyes. What do they call those? Bush babies." You're quirky in a way that Simon does not appreciate. 19. "You sounded like Cher after she’s been to the dentist." Simon doesn't like visiting the dentist. 20. "That performance was as relevant as a cat turning up for Crufts." You should probably quit singing... Honorary mention - "Louis is the equivalent of a mosquito in your bedroom. He’s not really annoying until he gets close to you, then you have to swat him". He has a lot of time for Louis Walsh but pretends not to.