Moatella - 10 things that would happen if Coachella hit Ireland
We’re sick of seeing amazing photos and stories from Coachella.
The hair trends, the cute couples, the designer clothes, the expertly applied makeup and expensive manicures – we know already!
Most of us are barely able to afford a ticket to Electric Picnic, never mind money to fly to California and chill with all the A-Listers in the sun.
So instead of spending hours looking at glorious pictures of all the spoilt, sun-kissed Hollywood honeys, we decided to bring Coachella to our door. Yes, that’s right – I’ve imagined Coachella if it were happening in Ireland.
Welcome to… Moatella!
1. Moatella would be situated in a field in Moate, Co. Westmeath.
Forget about Dublin, Galway, Belfast. Moate is where it's at.
Plus, there's a huge Supermacs there so after every evening of partying, you could stop in for some garlic cheese chips with no hassle. GEWAN.
2. At Moatella, Everyone would be LATHERED in Factor 50 suncream.
Our pasty Irish skin does not bode very well with any sign of sun, except for the rare lucky few who tan (damn you all).
While everyone at Coachella floats around with long, thin, tanned limbs, the most part of the population at Moatella will be ghostly pale, clad in 3 layers of sticky lotion.
3. At Moatella, there would be 'drunk friend's attending in their thousands
At every Irish festival, there's always one poor soul that always gets a little bit thirsty, goes H.A.M. on the 'lemonade' and shifts everything within sight.
It's one poorer soul that has to be the 'minder' for this infantlike being, known to cry, puke, scream and even urinate on itself. I'm sure self-urination was a huge problem at Coachella.
4. At Moatella, boys with their tops off would be an EPIDEMIC.
Come rain, hail, or shine, there'd still be several gobshites walking around with their tops off, proudly showing off the Dadbod.
What motivates these dudes? Are they really that warm? Only God knows.
4. You could probably learn a foreign language waiting in the queue for the Portaloos at Moatella.
With every Irish music festival, comes copious amounts of alcohol and thus, the need for said alcohol to be excreted.
Spending hours in the queue can guarantee that you'll miss at least one of your favourite acts playing however at an Irish music festival you can almost guarantee you'll make friends in the queue.
5. You wouldn't be able to move an inch at Moatella without the possibility of being pissed on. Literally.
At every Irish festival, the people of Ireland seem to be obsessed with pissing as publicly as possible.
Lads are happy to whip it out, full of free, gay abandon at the possibility of being watched as they relieve themselves. Irish women will line every wall of the establishment, squatting down in an almost witchlike ritual as they urinate on the earth they were raised on.
Does anybody even piss against fences at Coachella?? I bet the portaloos smell like Marc Jacobs Daisy
— Betty Draper (@infinityonhi) April 18, 2016
6. At Moatella, bras, knickers, jocks, socks, would double up as an alcohol carrier.
There's something magical that happens around the time of Irish festivaldom - Irish festivalgoers really put the thinking cap on when it comes to storing drink.
The prices of drinks at promotional bars can be extortionate, so what else could one do to combat this than sneak in your own little naggin or hip flask resting against your private parts?
7. No matter the weather at Moatella, everyone will be dressed for Ibiza.
There could be an apocalyptic blizzard and everyone would still dress as if it were midday in Benidorm.
Cropped denim shorts, crop tops, skirts, shorts, anything to show off the 3 layers of freshly applied fake tan with the little white line running down your legs from the last time you peed.
8. Your Mam would send you a frantic text halfway through the Moatella weekend, worrying if you're still alive.
Having a good time partying sometimes means neglecting your phone, missing phone calls, texts and voice messages alike. Any Irish mammy is prone to freak without contact for even a day.
9. Plenty of Moate talent would be playing, like the native gem BUTTERZ.
10. No one would be able to take a picture without some GENIUS photobombing an otherwise nice festival pic.
Photo bomb at EP! #NTLounge @SeanMoncrieff @electricpicnic @NewstalkFM pic.twitter.com/lRCMlvFNKt
— Henry McKean (@HenryMcKean) September 4, 2015
Get your sunnies, sun cream and rain jacket ready ladies, we can't wait for #Moatella!