Public transport is gross.
You have to sit beside PEOPLE and, let’s be honest, there is literally nothing worse than people.
It has recently come to my attention that the announcements on public transport are usually quite obvious and pointless e.g. “Stand clear, luggage doors operatin”. Like, we get it.
I would like to propose some better announcements that would be more useful and beneficial to all passengers on board. Imagine these being recited in a very posh Mary Robinson-esque voice over the speakers:
1. Please stop briefly falling in love with your fellow passengers. This is not a movie.
2. If your headphones allow music to spill outside your ears, please purchase a new set of headphones or, alternatively, lower the volume you absolute animal.
3. If you are unwell, please keep your germs to yourself. Many thanks.
4. Please give your seat to an elderly or disabled passenger. Otherwise, you are scum.
5. Your bag is not a human, therefore does not merit an entire seat to itself.
6. Public transport is not the place for consuming food, unless the food is odourless and you are a quiet eater.
7. You may pet the adorable guide dog as long as nobody sees you doing it.
8. If you need to make a phone call, do it quietly or wait until you have alighted the bus, i.e. practice common courtesy.
9. If there are multiple empty seats nearby, please do not sit beside someone. That’s weird.
10. Males, your legs do not require as large a spread as you are affording them. Be sound.
11. It is compulsory to thank the bus driver, especially in a sarcastic manner if he has wronged you.
12. Please do not open the windows if it is -10 degrees celsius outside.
13. Please feel free to open the windows if it is hot and stuffy and you smell like a teenage boy’s Nike Air Max.
14. Should you suddenly become overwhelmed with the urge to pick your nose, DO NOT.
15. If you are looking for a conversation with a fellow passenger, please read the signs if they are not responding and look elsewhere, or alternatively, shut up.
16. Should you find yourself with a suitcase the size of Carlow, please put it in the baggage area as opposed to in the middle of the vehicle. Thank you.
17. Never, ever, under any circumstance, expel flatulence while aboard any vehicle whatsoever.
18. Heavily sighing during times of heavy traffic has proven to have no effect whatsoever in alleviating the congestion. So please stop that.
