Fiscal Space, am I right?
Basically, the next Government has a bit of extra money, more than they technically need to cover the costs of public services.
The surplus is estimated at around €12 billion for the next five years. Just some pocket change really.
So, to alleviate the Government of the burden of deciding how to spend the money, I’ve come up with a few suggestions.
Freddos For All
As we know, Freddos are extortionately priced and undersized, and something needs to be done. I’ve just about had enough of Cadbury’s pricing shenanigans. This fiscal space needs to be used for something good and I believe that free Freddos for every citizen of Ireland would result in a better place for all to live. Crime rates would go down, mental health would improve and people would just generally be sounder. Roughly estimated, €12 billion would buy 40 billion Freddos, which means each citizen of Ireland receives 8.7 million Freddo bars – A LIFETIME SUPPLY AND THENSOME.
Blow Drys For Life
Sometimes, washing and drying your hair is an absolute effort and you’re never going to get that same finish that hairdressers achieve with their wizard hands. If the Government wanted to be sound, they could give all citizens a heap of vouchers to get their hair done, men included. If they wanted to be even sounder, they could organise a taxi service that drops the hairdresser to and from your house as well.
Intimate Gigs
Each Irish citizen picks their favourite band/artist and gets to see them on their own. Nobody is there to ruin the experience for you. It can take place in the venue of your choice and you also get to pick the setlist. I find the idea of Justin Bieber arriving to the 3Arena to see an elderly gentleman sitting front and centre extremely entertaining. He’d have to put on the full performance, no cutting corners. Getting the choose the setlist is the icing on the cake as well. Justin would be forced to sing The Ketchup Song if that’s what the attendee desired.
Shrek 2 On DVD For All
The world’s greatest piece of cinematic history should be in every household in the country, no exception. The Government would be paying homage to the film industry which desperately needs a bit of a boost at the moment, especially in Ireland. Imagine the absolute delight of receiving a copy of Shrek 2 on DVD (or Blu-ray), you’d be beside yourself. With the leftover money, the Government could arrange for Shrek himself to call around to people’s houses to give them nice treats to enjoy with the film.
Helpers For All
Let’s be honest, who wouldn’t love a helper? Someone to help you carry the shopping in out of the car, hold a brolly over your head in the rain, remind you which bin goes out this week and make you unlimited cups of tea. It’s the dream and with this fiscal space, it could become a reality. The Government would deploy one helper per person and sure life as we know it would change infinitely for the better.
Everyone Gets A Puppy
Nothing would boost nationwide morale quite like a free puppy. Scenes like Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids flying down the road in her people carrier with 12 puppies would become a distant memory as theft would no longer be necessary. Twink wouldn’t get a puppy because she already has enough. Michael D. Higgins can have two puppies because he’s a dote.
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Santa Is Real
As a nation, if we all just decide that Santa is real, there’s very little anyone can do to stop us. We could have Christmas twice a year as a result of this fiscal space, with the Government picking up the tab. We deserve it. Too many hardships have fallen upon us during the recession and now we fully deserve to be spoiled to the point where a second recession will probably happen. Who cares, short-sighted living for the win!
Free Alcohol Wristbands
There’s no logic for the wristbands since everyone (of legal drinking age) is going to get free booze, but they’d be glow-in-the-dark so we’d all look cool. The objective here is to have a good time and I firmly believe that indecent behaviour due to the over-consumption of alcohol would be greatly reduced. Having easy access to free alcohol on every night out would desensitise us to the novelty of getting drunk. It’s not like the Christmas party once a year where there’s free drink so you take full advantage. This would be every night you’re out. You’d nearly skip pre-drinks altogether!
