Everyone deals with grief in very different ways. For those of you who have lost someone close to you, you will know that coping with the thought of no longer having that important person in your life is extremely hard to cope with.
Cancer affects a huge amount of families in Ireland and when someone whom you love dearly is diagnosed with the disease it can prove tough to know what the right thing to even say or do is.
During the week one Today FM listener reached out to the Ray D’arcy Show to ask for advice.
The person explained that their mother was dying from cancer and had been given two-three months to live. They expressed their heartbreak at the situation but also their fear of not making the most of the time they had left together.
The email reads in full:
“I’m an avid listener, well more of a podcast listener, but a listener nonetheless.
I’ve never done this before, quiet nervous and not sure what or how to say it…
Straight to the point… My mam is dying from cancer, and she hasn’t been given much longer, hopefully at best about 2-3 months. She is only a young woman, in her early 50s. I am only in my early 20s, and my other 3 siblings are all under 30.
I wanted to ask you and your listeners, is there questions or stories, things I should say or do etc, that I should be asking my mam before it is too late? Of course I am absolutely heart broken at the idea of losing her, I also quite stressed about making good use of our last bit of time together. If that makes sense?
I’m not really sure who to talk to about this… My siblings, dealing with their own stress and sadness, didn’t really have the time to appreciate where I was coming from. My friends have been completely useless at even talking about my mam being sick. Not sure who to turn to….
I would greatly appreciate any help or advice.”[sic]
The radio show was inundated with touching responses to the plea for help. However it was one listener’s reply that inspired a YouTube video dedicated to its advice.
After some hesitation Bríd got in touch to offer some incredibly moving personal advice after losing her own Mum in 2011.
“Laugh with your mother, cry with your mother, tell her you love her,” she writes, “tell her the secrets you were afraid to tell her”.
This is truly heartbreaking and reminds us not to take the little things in life for granted.
The response in full reads:
“Hi Ray,
So I’ve finally plucked up the courage after 3 days of thinking about this email. On Monday you read out an email from a girl whose mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she asked is there anything she should do with or mother or ask her mother before her journey ended. It broke my heart first of all at the mere mention of somebody else having to go through this (even though it is so rampant in our country) as I lost my mother in 2011 to cancer.
Secondly, I am so jealous of this girl for having the courage to email and find out these things. I wish so much that I or my siblings thought of this.
My advice and I’m sure that these is only echoing what has been said by listeners already, but my advice is Laugh with your mother, Cry with your mother, tell her you love her and tell her the secrets you were afraid to tell her.
Tell her your wish for life, what you want to do and where you want to go… cause when the time come to go places or do things she wont be there. Take pictures. Get her stories, the stupid ones about when she went to dances on bikes or went ‘rambling’ to someones house. Ask here about her childhood, ask her about your own childhood, what you and your siblings were like when ye were younger. Ask her about LABOUR!!!! Was her labours hard??, did you and your siblings “walk out”. Its so important for girls to know this just cause…. its important!!! Her recipes!, get them off her and make sure to make her understand that a bit of this and a bit of that is not correct measurements!! Learn how to budget and save money like she does. Get her words of wisdom and pieces of advice. Some of my mammy’s advice was during exams, “do your best that’s all you can do” or when a baby is born and everyone is commenting about how he or she looks like their mother or father, mammy would always say “he looks like himself” and that was the end of! Get your mothers pieces of wisdom because they will stay with you forever!
Find out her favourite time of year, was it spring when the trees starting budding or autumn when the leaves would turn that beautiful golden browns and reds. Because in years to come when you think you’ve forgotten all about her all you’ll need to do is look at a tree or the sky or a colour and her beautiful face with that huge welcoming smile will flood your brain and you’ll remember that angel that was in your life, she was taken far to soon but at least she was in your life.
Study your mother, her loving eyes who have seen you fall, get back up and fall again. Study her voice how it bounces along the air like your favourite song. Study her hands and how she might figit when something is making her uncomfortable.
Finally, tell your mammy your stories. The stories that swirl around your head at the end of the day about something that happened in college or work or where ever. Them insignificant stories that nobody else has the time of day for. No body will ever listen to you and them stupid stories like your mother. She’ll laugh when everyone else will tell you “that’s not funny” or they’ll just look at you as if you have ten heads. No body will ever understand you or feel your emotions like your mother will, so for the time you have left with her share everything!
I have to go now because my hands are shaking so bad I cannot type any more, the guy across the library from me thinks I’m crazy cause I’m bleary eyed. I am sorry for any spelling mistakes made but the screen is blurring in my tear filled eyes.
I hope this email is of some help to that girl, her siblings and her mother. I am sorry if somethings may have made the situation worse but its just every day, something new comes into my head about my mother and it breaks me to say I can never do any of those things with my mother. Who by the way was, like all Irish mammies the best mother in the world!”[sic]
