Brought to you by Crunchie
You were convinced there was a big day in your not-too-distant future; he had other things in mind. Fast forward a couple of weeks and the best friend is looking at you with sympathetic doe eyes.
We know she’s trying, but sometimes we don’t want her pearls of wisdom. We’d feel a LOT better curled up in our duvet watching sitcoms on repeat.
What we can predict, newly-single ladies, is that you will hear these ‘helpful’ words of advice from your bestie at least once or twice.
Try to remember, it’s coming from a place of love…
“He’s Not Good Enough For You”
Day 3 and your diet consists of ice-cream, chocolate, and endless cups of tea. Wine is your staple dinner and you’ve worked your way through a couple of rolls of toilet tissue. Your best friend, trying to be supportive, is sitting at the end of your bed with a look of pure confusion on her face.
You’re forgetting the rude texts, mean break-up, or that he spent most Sundays hungover after a night out with the lads. Sometimes, she needs to break the age old advice – he’s just not good enough for you.
“He Was Intimidated By You”
Forget the fact you’ve spent years trying to leap onto the career ladder by making 13,000 cups of tea. He’s totally happy for you, right? Wrong. You’ve landed your dream job and he throws his best tantrum. And apparently that means he “doesn’t think you’re right together”.
Well that was a waste of time. We’re not bitter… not bitter at all.
*Flicks hair and walks away*
“He Was Punching Above His Weight”
Next stage of the break-up is the confidence booster. It’d be easier to believe you’re the next Kate Moss if she hadn’t just wrestled a chocolate bar from your hand.
You’ll probably need more convincing.
“You Need Some Time To Focus On You”
Which is code for getting you back to your Sasha Fierce self. You will be fabulous again. You’re just on a delicate path right now…
“She’s Nothing On You”
He’s rumoured to have hooked up with a 10 foot tall blonde who happens to look like a model. You’re secretly pulling her apart, and your friend is throwing every wild accusation she can muster to keep the spirits up. What a lady.
Just don’t be too hard on her. She has no idea she’s coming between two true soulmates.
“Let’s Get Mangled”
Sometimes you just need to have a drink and let it go, let it go. You will of course end up singing karaoke at 2am. It will be ‘Total Eclipse Of The Heart’. People will block their ears.
“He’s Totally Checking You Out”
Now you’re single, your friend has decided every male in every bar EVER is looking at you. Unless you’ve managed to tuck your dress into your tights, you’re pretty sure she’s trying her best to play wing-woman. This could lead to some disastrous flirting.
“Single Life Is The Best Thing EVER”
So that’s why you’re happily loved up with the same guy since you were spotty with braces! Nice try. Let us wallow.
We will get to the excited single stage. It’s called time. Please give us some.
“You Need To Try Speed Dating/ Tinder”
We don’t know what we dread more – setting up the profile, or trying to fill it out…
Oh, wait no, it’s the actual conversations we’re inviting with strangers.
“I’ve The Perfect Guy For You…”
… Said no successful matchmaker ever. We don’t need to meet this guy, in fact we can already tell you that our imaginary wedding will end in imaginary divorce. Just because we’re the only two single people you know, we will NOT make a perfect couple.
Brought to you by Crunchie – For the mouth that craves the Friday Feeling.
