Online shopping generates a rollercoaster of emotions.
You need to have a large amount of self-control, but also a particular fondness for self-inflicted torture. Check and check.
It’s a long and arduous process between the time you get a notion of wanting something, right through to the point where you actually have it.
Strap yourself in, sunshine.
STAGE 1: Tease Yourself
You’ve decided that you really need a new pair of sunglasses. Frankly, who doesn’t? The preliminary process demands that you look at hundreds of photos of sunglasses to help you narrow down the search. Inevitably, you’re going to pick the most expensive pair that is only manufactured on a remote island off the coast of Papua New Guinea. Ideal. You’ll spend weeks eyeing up the photos of these particular sunglasses that you’ve saved to your various devices. Inner monologues debate how you couldn’t spend that much money on them, sure we only have two days of sun a year. No, cop on. You’d get 75 pairs in Penneys for that price. Although they are gorgeous…
STAGE 2: Torture Yourself
Things have gotten pretty serious in your decision-making process at this point. You have to buy these sunglasses, your life is scum without them. Instead of staring adoringly at photographs of the shades for a large portion of your day, things have intensified and you’re now at the stage where you’re putting them in the virtual basket, just to see how it feels. Shocker, it feels great. Hover over the ‘confirm purchase’ button, before closing the window and getting back to your Pinterest page. Not yet, young grasshopper. Wait until payday.
STAGE 3: ORDERING!
It’s here. It’s actually here! You’ve cancelled plans for this day because you’re breathing in every drop of the elusive online ordering experience. This isn’t a quick job done that you can do on your phone, mind you. Such excitement deserves the full desktop experience. Fire up the PC and let’s have a party. You clear the shopping basket so you can start the entire process from scratch, meticulously ensuring that you have the correct colour, size and style. This is heaven. Minor speed bumps such as dodgy WiFi, trying to remember your Verified by Visa password and a sneaky €20 delivery charge can’t drag you down. This is your day. Enjoy it.
STAGE 4: Waiting
Now that the sunglasses have been ordered, you can relax. You’re heavily in debt but you’re going to look stunning. You’ve been advised that they’ll arrive in no more than 7-10 working days. Isn’t every day a working day, says you! Suddenly, it dawns on you, there’s a brunch with the girls scheduled in for the weekend. Wouldn’t you be as trendy now if you were to arrive with the new sunglasses?! You become fixated on the package arriving in time, checking the order tracking online every morning like a lunatic. Where are they? It’s been 24 hours and all this waiting is EXHAUSTING.
STAGE 5: Disappointment
The life-changing sunnies arrive exactly 10 working days after you ordered them. You went to that brunch looking like scum and it was duly noted. The postman dropped the package at the post office because God forbid you (or anyone else) would be in the house when they arrived. Like a child on Christmas, you rip the box open and savour every moment. This is why people do unboxing videos on YouTube: To share their hysteric joy. Oh. These sunglasses are a bit different to the ones you saw online. Bit smaller too. THEY’RE THE WRONG ONES YOU’VE ORDERED THE WRONG ONES YOU ARE SCUM. Why do you try to have nice things? You don’t deserve them.
