The Seven Stages Of Sale Shopping
For those of us who are not the type of people to shop for fun, the post-Christmas sales can be a bleak and harrowing experience.
Yet every year we inexplicably make the trip out, full of turkey and stuffing sandwiches to have a crack at the whole thing again.
You can't believe you're back in TK Maxx again. It's the fifth year in a row you've tried your hand at this. There are FAR too many people here. Mams who have brought their entire brood sale shopping, defying all logic. There's a little boy who has just peed himself in the Toiletries aisle. The grimness of sale shopping hits you anew in the face, much like the smell of that kid's pee.
'Wait...that's the SALE price? I really thought I was misreading the label. This is an absolute and utter swizz. A con and a swizz is all this is. I want to go and get a coffee and a gigantic muffin, but that would be admitting defeat far too early. A woman must persevere.'
'I honestly don't remember Dundrum ever being this busy, this is AWFUL.'
You think to yourself: 'If I buy three pairs of skinny jeans today then surely I won't have to buy jeans for the rest of the year?' Listen pal, don't kid yourself. You know for a fact that buying these will not curb your quest to find the world's blackest jeans. You keep telling yourself it will though.
Finding yourself walking out of a H&M with three incredibly similar white t-shirts, you may begin to question how much you need these items. Directly after you will wander the shopping centre with a fizzy drink you bought for nourishment, worrying that you're the biggest consumer of all time.
'If this fitting room queue moves any slower I swear to god I will END someone.'
The fitting room lighting is very much like a harsh interrogation room. Your face is one large pore, and you look suddenly like you're a year away from your free travel pass. You want to get home and moisturise as soon as you can. First you have to try and unzip yourself from this terrible dress.
Success! You have been eying up one of those shopping centre benches to have a lovely sit down on for about 20 minutes. Suddenly, an old couple totter off and you sweep in like a ninja. As you're sitting there, you think to yourself: 'Do you know something, I actually got a lot of lovely bits today.'
You will wear everything you buy that day once.