Coffee, am I right?
Much like tea, everyone has their own specific way that they prefer it.
People tend to get notions surrounding coffee. There’s too many variables involved, which can result in a lot of confusion and ultimately, unsatisfied cravings. Frankly, if your coffee order has more than three words in it, you need to take a long and hard look at your life choices.
Here’s what your coffee order says about you as a person. These are all entirely accurate and extremely scientifically based.
Skinny Latte
You’re watching your weight, fair play to you. You’re not so concerned about your weight that you’d abandon coffee entirely, but you’re mindful of the fact that milk is the devil. When you’re ordering a skinny latte in an establishment that provides a free chocolate, you see it as a very clever method to get by. Go easy on the milk, make up for it with the chocolate. You’re smart, savvy and adorable. Shrek 3 is your favourite film.
Americano
A dream to mankind and baristas alike, you’re a laid-back Lucy. People find you very easy to get along with and you’re rarely stressed or in a bad mood. Things in life aren’t always peachy but you don’t let that affect your day-to-day interactions with people. Friends look to you for advice and know you’re a dependable soul, cancelling plans just isn’t in your DNA. Your hair is nice, you use a leave-in conditioner twice a week and your cuticles are exceptional. The Human Centipede is your favourite film. Let’s talk about that another time.
Mocha Frappuccino
You are a lunatic. That isn’t a coffee order, it’s a milkshake! You heartily laugh as the barista questions whether you want cream on top, obviously you do! Your body is a temple… of enjoyment. Treating yourself is a daily occurrence. You are wild. One time you did a skydive without a parachute, only to reveal you actually had a parachute halfway down. Bear Grylls leads a quiet life in comparison to you. Your favourite film is Home Alone 2: Lost In New York.
Non-Fat Iced Caramel Macchiato
What kind of sick, perverted game are you playing here, Linda? Specifically how many notions can one person have? Coffee is supposed to be warm and it is not supposed to taste like caramel. You’re a lavish lady, you enjoy the finer things in life and don’t we all know about it. Designer handbags, regular blow-dried hair, bathing yourself in Chanel No 5, it never ends. You have it all. Your favourite film is 101 Dalmatians, although it left you furious that Cruella de Vil was treated so poorly.
Decaf Soy Cappuccino
Melanie, go easy on yourself. Have a treat every once in a while. There is no joy in being miserable. Your coffee order is best summarised in a long and emotional sigh. Decaf is generally reserved for people that enjoy the taste of coffee, rather than the buzz. You, however, aren’t even getting the taste. A soy cappuccino is essentially the absence of a drink. The cup should come empty, much like your life. Please, get an Americano at least. There’s no shame in looking after yourself. 12 Years A Slave is your favourite film 🙁
Herbal Tea
That is not a coffee order, get out of here, nerd! You’re a health nut. Always checking out the latest trend regarding a happier and more fulfilled lifestyle. You know far too much about herbal teas, which ones to have when you’re tired, hungover or have a dose of the runs. Your handbag is full of vitamins and sadness. Friends consider you the reliable one for advice, quiet nights in and taxi fares. Your favourite film is Beauty And The Beast because you though the little teacup was a dote.
