♫ It’s the most passive-aggressive time of the year ♫
Christmas is a wonderful time that you get to share with friends, family and loved ones. However, the increased time spent together results in the likelihood of noticing things that irritate you about these folk. Why does your sister scrape the cutlery off her teeth when she’s eating? Why is your Dad the loudest person alive? We will simply never know.
Us Irish aren’t a particularly subtle bunch. Try as we might, we haven’t an abundance of tact in our pasty little bodies. Nevertheless, our cheekiness and charm allows us to get away with blue murder.
Here’s 8 wonderfully passive-aggressive gifts to give your loved ones this Christmas, along with a message to inscribe on the accompanying card.
1. A comically large box of Tic Tacs
‘Uncle Mick, please enjoy this thoughtful gift that I have purchased for you. Think I am dropping hints or something, lol? Well, I absolutely am. Your breath smells like a rodent died inside your mouth six months ago, then was ingested by a slightly larger rodent who subsequently died in there as well. Please sort it out. Merry Christmas!’
2. Brightly coloured organisational boxes
‘Sinéad, you are the absolute dream to live with, if that dream was actually a nightmare in disguise. You are honest to God the messiest person ever to walk the face of the Earth. I don’t understand how you can have so much stuff and happily scatter it around our shoebox sized apartment. Please, for the sake of our friendship, put your shit away and also stop borrowing my clothes. Merry Christmas!’
3. Multipack of deodorant
‘Claire, you’re such a loyal co-worker, I always enjoy the chats we have at my desk, which is in very close proximity to yours. Spade a spade, you could do with upping the deodorant usage in 2017. I know you like to hit the gym during lunch, but sometimes it would appear that you’ve forgotten to give yourself a quiz spritz afterwards. Kindly cop on and stop polluting my nasal passages. Merry Christmas!’
4. A very pointed self-help book
‘Karen, I know how much you love to read, so I’ve gotten you this book that came highly recommended from a friend of ours. Maybe read it cover to cover and take on board all the points that are made, just for the laugh haha lol. Page 37 has some great advice about sometimes asking your friends how they are, rather than just airing your own issues all the time. Merry Christmas!’
5. A pretend baby
‘Mam, I got you this brilliant gift so as to silence your queries as to when I will be producing a baby for you. The answer is probably never, so this is a fun way to break the news to you. It’s practically a real baby: It laughs, cries, pees, poops and tells you that your high standards are increasingly compromising the relationship between you and your family. Merry Christmas!’
6. A noise amplified drum kit
‘Debbie, it’s been another great year of babysitting for you and Derek. I always love how you get the kids so wound up before I arrive, then I’ve to spend my entire evening calming them down so they will actually sleep. It’s the best fun! Hope little Tom enjoys this gift, particularly on Christmas morning at 5.30am. Merry Christmas!’
7. An extra loud alarm clock
‘Áine, it’s been great having you at this company for over two years now. Your tireless work hasn’t gone unnoticed, so I wanted to get you a little something to say thanks. Also, please stop apologising for that important meeting during the summer that you were two hours late to, which cost us a massive sponsorship deal with a very wealthy client. All has definitely been forgotten. Merry Christmas!’
8. A restraining order
‘Michael, it was great bumping into you that one time in a pub, when you harassed my extremely drunk friends for my phone number. Despite my constant ignoring of your calls, texts, WhatsApps and friend requests, your perseverance has to be admired. Truly, I am falling for you. Please enjoy this special gift, I don’t even mind if you open it before the 25th. Merry Christmas!
