Happy Bloomsday 2016 (for yesterday)!
It feels like the Bloomsday decorations are appearing earlier each year. Probably six weeks ago I saw a statue of James Joyce in town. SIX WEEKS before the big day itself. Sake.
Confession time: I’ve never read a James Joyce book. Halt your comments, I am fully aware that I am scum. I’ve heard that his writing is sometimes tricky to follow, so I opted for drinking instead. Sorry.
I’ve judged books by their covers in the past, and now I’m going to do a similar job on the work of James Joyce, in honour of Bloomsday. I am positive that this is what J-Dogg would’ve wanted.
Ulysses
This book was written about the Franz Ferdinand song of the same name. It follows the story of a young boy with a name that is both difficult to spell and pronounce. He’s bullied at school, so turns to the world of witchcraft and wizardry. He applies and is accepted to Hogwarts, where he learns all there is to know about the dark arts. Many twists and turns ensue, but ultimately he pursues his dreams of marrying a Weasley.
Dubliners
This biography details an Irish folk band as they meander their way through the trials and tribulations of everyday life. They are typical Dublin folk and enjoy activities such as going for brunch, complaining about the water charges, drinking cans on the boardwalk and questioning the musical integrity of Gavin James. Sadly, the band is forced to split due to artistic differences, but every cloud truly spoils the broth, as they seek comfort in developing a very successful, sweet and versatile cheese.
The Dead
A talented piano player’s dreams are destroyed when the piano lid suddenly falls on her fingers during a particularly rousing version of Little Donkey. Determined to find a new purpose in life, she turns her fingerless hands to football. With the help of a very good looking coach and a Punjabi Sikh friend, she excels at the sport and earns herself a full scholarship to college, where she hopes to invent prosthetic fingers and finally be able to play the piano again. In the end, she truly learned to bend it like Beckham.
Finnegan’s Wake
There was an old man named Michael Finnegan, he had whiskers on his chin-egan. It was a birth defect that he learned to curtail in the later years of his life. He turned to electrolysis, as one in every twelve Irish people do nowadays. At first, the results were slow and uninspiring, but his third visit to the clinic solved that. Not a whisker in sight. Michael turned into the confident and happy individual that he always wanted to be, thanks to opening his mind to the benefits of electrical epilation. Should’ve been called Finnegan’s Woke, tbh.
The Cats Of Copenhagen
Ever heard of a little group called The Pussycat Dolls? There was a time when you would’ve answered ‘no’ to that question. This wonderful tale follows the girls around Denmark as they try to get signed by a record label. They purchase tickets to go on the maiden voyage of a ship to New York City, in search of a better life. Tragedy strikes, as the ship ploughs straight into a iceberg, sinking hours later. Sadly, none of the girls survived.
