School reports were easily the most nervous poo-inducing part of school.
No matter how much you tried to be a lickarse in the days leading up to those detrimental scraps of paper being sent home, it made little difference in trying to convince your teachers that you actually weren’t a piece of garbage.
I’ll never forget the unbridled sense of panic as my Mum delicately sliced the envelope open, unleashing an air of disappointment in the kitchen, causing milk to turn sour and windows to condensate instantly.
A lot of the language used in these reports was utter nonsense, so let’s call a spade a spade here and decode it.
C.S.P.E:
“Ciara struggles to maintain focus during class and as a result is falling behind her classmates. She needs to give her full attention to the work or it will be very difficult for her to continue doing higher level C.S.P.E., as we are about to begin colouring in different flags from around the world, which is a vital and tricky aspect of the Junior Cert examination.”
Translation: Ciara would rather gawk out the window at the grass being cut and subsequently hoofed around with a leaf blower than pay attention in this class which is utterly pointless. I hate my job.
Geography:
“After a great start to the year, Ciara has drifted into a dangerous place where she is mixing up stalagmites and stalactites. This is sure to impact the rest of her life if she doesn’t get studying and finally nail the concept. She has mentioned how she’s hoping to write for a Huns’ website when she is older, so being able to differentiate these mineral formations will be vital.”
Translation: I can’t really fault Ciara here, but I need to fill the page with something. One time she mixed up some irrelevant icicle things, so I’m going to make it out to be a big deal because I want to appear concerned. I hate my job.
Maths:
“Ciara struggles with basic maths such as the Pythagorean Theorem, an essential part of everyday life which she is sure to use in the future. Furthermore, her copybook that she handed up for correction had a doodle that said ‘PythagorASSHOLE’, which I have passed on to the principal. It is crass and disrespectful and I would like to arrange a meeting with you to discuss the matter further.”
Translation: I don’t really have much to say, everyone struggles with these bullshit maths problems as they are completely irrelevant to everyday life. When I saw that drawing it was actually really funny but I have to follow school protocol. I photocopied it and we passed it around the staffroom, we were howling.
Irish:
“Very disappointing year for Ciara so far, as she is more interested in tweeting Gaeilge puns than actually learning the language. She is a distraction to her classmates and ultimately to herself during this important Transition Year which is not mandatory. When I asked what her goals are for this year, she said to be ‘cúl’, (which is the Irish for goal). Not funny.”
Translation: Ciara has sussed that a good way to learn a language is by making dumb puns on the internet. I only have 23 followers on Twitter and cannot construct such fire puns, no matter how hard I try. I am jealous and I hate my job.
