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Published 18:57 7 Oct 2014 BST
Updated 20:09 7 Oct 2014 BST
They had everything to live for. So much potential cut down in such a cruel and violent way by their own father who they loved and adored. He was their hero. How do I live with the knowledge of their last moments? How scared they must have been. Did they cry for me? Did they scream? Did they know what was happening? The betrayal of their love for Sanj is so painful for me to imagine. How can evil such as this have been hidden for so long in a seemingly loving father? How can he be so utterly, utterly selfish? They and I trusted him so totally.
In fact all during that long night last year, because he had the boys with him I was so sure he would be ok. It never occurred to me that the boys were in danger from Sanj. How could they be…he was their father and loved them I thought. He has robbed us of so very, very much – me, our family and the boy’s friends and the community. Who can ever know what potential the boys had in the future? It is all gone. How can we ever understand or accept our loss? How do I explain to their friends and little cousins that we now have to bring a birthday cake and cards to a grave? How do I reassure them Santa and the tooth fairy do visit heaven but that we can’t?
I am so very, very proud of my two boys. They touched so many lives in their short ones. Even their death has impacted so many. Their memory will continue to live on in Ballinkillen, in my heart and in the hearts of all who truly love them.
But how could Sanj have done this? I don’t ask why anymore…just how?
He even took Eoghan and Ruairi’s last moments from me. Even though he is responsible for their deaths he got to hold them while they were still warm and then just dumped them in the boot of the car taking all dignity from them and abandoning them. By the time they were home they were so cold. I struggled to hold them.
It broke my heart to have them home with me but not be able to lie between them snuggling as we did so many nights. They couldn’t even spend their last night at home on their own side of the bed because we had to disguise the damage to Eoghan’s head. Sanj did not have to bury his children, I did. I stood by that graveside as two white coffins with my whole life in them were laid side by side - big boys now but always my babies.
There is no more joy in my life – only memories. He has robbed Eoghan, Ruairi and I of everything. He has left me to live a double life sentence everyday with no chance of release in my lifetime."Love Island fans can’t get enough of Fitzy’s iconic Irish phrase
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