"When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer’s always the same, to me, they’re not mutually exclusive."
"Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way."
"I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good."
"I've sort of fused Flashdance with MC Hammer shit"
"I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out."
"Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."
"You know Bruce Lee's not really dead, don't you? Yeah, it's in a book. What he did was he faked his own death so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police, infiltrating drugs gangs and the Triads."
"Will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?"
"You see all these white middle-class fuddy duddies going, 'Oh, we’ve got to find the new equivalent'. They’re looking in Oxford and Cambridge. No. Dr Dre, yeah. Ice T. They’re the equivalent of Wordsworth."
"If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people."
"You can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen."
"Different drinks for different… needs."
"Condoms come in all different flavours nowadays. There's strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry?"
"Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."
"If you like Top Trumps, you should come to me. I've got about five different sets. Don't try to beat me at Monster Trucks, though, 'cos you won't. My speciality."
"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."
"You give me a gift? BAM! Thank you note. You invite me somewhere? POW! RSVP. You do me a favour? WHAM! Favour returned. Do not test my politeness."
"When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly, asking you for help, you help!"
"I can read women. You've got to know their wants and their needs. And that can be anything from making sure she's got enough money to buy groceries each week to making sure she's gratified sexually after intercourse."
"Do you not know who Eric Hitchmough is?"
