Dragons' Den is back! It's a brilliant programme that combines two of my favourite things: desperation and money. I wish more television shows were like Dragons' Den. Imagine if the X Factor judges had wads of their hard-earned cash on the desk in front of them during auditions. Beggars belief! The Dragons this year are stern but fair, meaning that people looking for investments are generally quivering with nerves. All it takes is a free sample to have those Dragons warming to them like a rabbit to a balloon. Here's 21 things you're extremely likely to hear during every episode of Dragons Den.

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1. It's a family run business, I've always had a passion for shoelaces, from a very young age it was all I could think about. 2. I'm looking for €1.6m for 5% of the business. I think it's a fair margin and I'm not willing to negotiate. 3. What I've got here is a product that can and will change life as we know it: It's a huster (half hoover, half duster). 4. I want a dragon with the expertise and market knowledge to help me bring my waterproof sponges all the way to the top. 5. There is a patent pending for the last 37 years so we're hopeful that it will come through in the next few months, please God. 6. I'm going to make you an offer of €12 but in return, I want 90% of your company. Do we have a deal? 7. These multicoloured dishwasher tablets have a very special place in my heart. When I was younger, I ate a dishwasher tablet and was excreting bubbles for days. I told my Mam we should have multicoloured tablets so if it happened again, I would have rainbow farts. 8. Sorry to cut across you Michael, but who's Annette Profit? 9. Now I know nothing about technology, so explain this to me as if you were talking to a child. A multimillionaire child. 10. There's a huge market for Morbeg plasters out there and if you guys can't see it, maybe I've brought my million Euro idea to the wrong place. 11. This is a massive opportunity and I'm happy to welcome any questions that the dragons might have. 12. At what point will we get to see some actual dragons? 13. I like to think of myself as a young Bill Cullen. 14. My projected profit for year three is €10b and I am confident we will get there. 15. I'd like to take a minute to have a think about this if it's ok? *walks over to wall and bangs head against it repeatedly until the producer forces him to stop* 16. I've a lot of interest from all the big supermarkets so to be honest, I'm just here to be on the telly. 17. Hi Paul, my name is Gavin. "Hi Gavin, I know". 18. It's a special knife that can cut things but also spread things. It's like nothing you've ever seen before. 19. I tweeted a picture of this product to Paul Walker before he died and he said it looked cool. If you refuse to make me an offer, you are doing his memory a disservice. 20. Please, I need this. My family are starving. I've put all of our money into these glow-in-the-dark yo-yos and if I return home without so much as a tenner I am dead meat. 21. I've never seen the need for one Justin Bieber, so the idea of a second one just isn't for me. It is for this reason, I'm out.

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Unedited images via YouTube.