Surprisingly, they’re not all called Sheila.
Listen, it’s not even worth pretending that Love Island isn’t all anyone cares about anymore.
The UK version is coming along nicely, but what about the Australians? Are they equally as annoying? Do they have a handsome doctor who’s been unlucky in love? Do they have an Adam? Do they also all know each other from home?
I decided to watch Love Island Australia to see how it holds up to the British version. I jumped into episode 18 of the current series simply because it felt right. That’s the best way to start any show, right in the middle because you’re not arsed catching up on the rest.
Here’s what I found out.
The graphics are slightly different on Love Island Australia
Look, I’m not proud of this. I’m better than it. We’re all better than it. Anyway, it’s done. It’s out of the way now. Let’s just move on.
The Australian islanders are so used to the sun, sometimes they sit in the shade just for sport
Our Love Islanders are, at all times, extremely British during their time in the villa. They realise that good weather is a luxury and spend the majority of their stay in Mallorca securing a decent tan because it’s uncertain as to whether they’ll ever see the sun again once they return home. It’s an unspoken rule that Brits must fully immerse themselves into the sun’s harmful rays while on holiday. Flights are expensive because we’re all being screwed with a sun tax. You have to pay to tan, it’s a complete swizz.
But in Australia, good weather isn’t a surprise or a luxury. They’re used to year-round sunshine, so much so that their skin rarely burns because they’ve figured out the correct way to use suntan lotion. They’ll sit in the shade if they want, it’s not a crime. They’re already tanned enough and will continue to be tanned for the rest of their natural lives. It’s not a holiday for them in the villa, it’s a short stay in another location with a similar climate to their home country. Mallorca doesn’t frighten them. It is home now.
Some of the girls openly hate each other and have no issue in delivering sick burns at any given opportunity
From what I could gather, the latest recoupling saw one of the girls taking another girl’s man for some petty reason that didn’t make much sense. So I’ve dipped in at a point where things are incredibly tense between some of the girls. Most were siding with the heartbroken girl, so a bit of divide has emerged. With any Love Island tension comes drama and good grief did it build. The girls were putting on their makeup and two of them were looking to use the same mirror area. One girl said “It’s alright, I thought you like sharing anyway” AND IT KICKED OFF. Backhanded insults galore and heated stares filled the mirror-laden room. It was truly, to this very day in my life, some of the bitchiest interactions I have ever witnessed on reality TV.
Meanwhile on our version of Love Island back home, nobody has come remotely close to ripping out someone’s hair extensions and as a result, I feel cheated. Everyone’s being far too polite and what we need is a good old fashioned war of words. The closest we’ve come to drama was when Rosie ignored Zara for a while after she stole Adam’s easily-pilfered affections. Then they had a chat and smoothed everything over. No tempers were lost, no enemies gained. We’re missing out on Newcastle nightclub level of scraps taking place and something needs to change before it turns into The Brady Bunch.
The Australian villa has a number of features that the Brits are being denied and we need to contact the relevant authorities so that justice can prevail
Right. What the fuck is going on here? Both Love Island villas are located in Mallorca and yet the Australian one has far better stuff around the place. Look at the size of that barbecue. It’s an absolute unit. You could cook, at a guess, 4,000 steaks on it at any given time. It’s in perfect condition. It’s beautiful. It’s everything the British Love Island villa needs right now to ensure its inhabitants’ happiness. We haven’t even seen them eat a meal yet. They must be starving. They need a good barbecue to get them right.
Look at the above image. Look at it. Properly now. Right. Notice anything? Perhaps the life ring hanging on the tree? That’s right. Love Island Australia actually cares about its participants. If they begin to drown, they can be saved. That life preserver is going to preserve lives because that is its job. Now think about the other Love Island villa. Have you ever seen a life ring both literally and metaphorically hanging around the pool? No you haven’t. There isn’t one. If one of our precious contestants gets into difficulty in the pool, the last thing they’ll see is the light bouncing off Jack’s absurdly white teeth, then an empty space where a life ring should’ve been. It’s an accident waiting to happen.
A CAT! THEY HAVE A CAT! NOT JUST ANY CAT, BUT A TALKING CAT! Truly, we are being taken for fools. Our Love Islanders have a fridge full to the brim with various juices, but the Australians have a cat that talks. He’s even got a little tube of Neutrogena to keep his skin looking and feeling fresh. Side note: It’s entirely likely that the cat will find love before Samira does over in the other villa, and that is a tragic thing to process. Truly, how have they managed to get a cat in the villa? Is it looking for love? Does it like ham? Someone please get in touch.
The islanders conserve water by showering together because they care about the environment
Two of the guys found out that they would be going on a double date with the new arrivals. Giddy at the prospect of finding true love in Mallorca, the guys raced up the stairs and into the shower, where they washed in perfect harmony together. That’s a beautiful thing. Male friendship is an incredibly pure and wholesome thing to witness. Not only did they get to have a thorough scrub together, they also conserved water. Do the contestants shower together on the British Love Island? No. They most certainly do not. They want Spain to run out of water. They are scum. Adam probably has a bath instead of a shower because he knows it uses more water. I feel sick.
Their dates take place in public spaces which means we get to see unsuspecting holidaymakers going about their business in the background
That’s what we’ve been missing from the UK version of Love Island. A random Irish family flapping about in the sea behind these superhuman specimens dating equally superhuman specimens as they split a warm bottle of fizzy wine between four on a busy beach. Our Love Island feels too sanitised in comparison. An empty beach for a private date isn’t reality and this is supposed to be reality television. The Australians have it right. They’re sitting on a beach with families, screaming babies, a mother frantically searching for her son even though he is actually sitting right behind her, a young girl whimpering because Dad won’t let her have another ice lolly. This is how it should be. I want to recognise my neighbour in the background as he’s having a blatant affair with a woman who looks a lot like my Mum but couldn’t be because she’s in Mallorca at the moment on holidays with her frien- HANG ON A SECOND!
The editing is remarkable and sadly puts the British Love Island to shame
Folks, it’s a different ballgame entirely over in the Australian villa. They’ve got better video editors and that’s something that needs to be commended. On more than one occasion, an absolute peach of a shot trickled through to the final edit, resulting in an impromptu fit of laughter coming from myself. Look at that gif. It’s perfect. Two gorgeous people are having a little flirt on an outdoor sofa, while a third person slowly bobs across the screen in front of them, using what appears to be an inflatable flamingo as a floatation device. This is special content. This is what Vine would’ve eaten up were it still in existence (RIP, gone but never forgotten x).
The editor knew exactly what he/she was doing. That’s a lengthy 7.8-second shot of unbridled comedy. What happened next? The guy on the couch told the girl that he loves her and hopes to marry her one day, 18 episodes into the show. They have known each other for 18 days. This is perfection. They looked stupid before anyone started speaking and now they look insane. Our Love Island doesn’t offer up much in the realm of dry humour and that’s a crying shame. Don’t they want us to laugh? Don’t they want us to experience pure joy? We’re being deprived and it’s not right or fair.
The boys have terrible clothes which mostly consist of precisely zero sleeves
Where are their sleeves? Do they not have sleeves in Australia? Did the kangaroos bite them all off, rendering the entire population of Australia sleeveless? Get a grip, gentlemen. You have big arms, we get it. In fact, we can see them during the day when you’ve got your swimming shorts on. But if it’s nighttime, regardless of the climate, we’d like to see less arm. Just a short sleeve will do. Or a long one. Whatever you’re comfortable with. British men should not look like style icons, but when you compare them with this bunch of Ozzies, somehow, they are all Alexander McQueen.
Final Conclusion: Which is better?
I have watched precisely 17 episodes of the UK’s Love Island and 1 episode of Love Island Australia. My research has been taken very seriously and I can now confidently conclude the following: Ours has better people, but the Australian version is a better production overall. Basically, let’s swap the villas and production teams and we’re onto a winner.
If Love Island Australia was taking place during the winter, we should all watch it. Having both versions airing at the same time is ludicrous. It’s impossible to watch both right now. My professional and personal recommendation is to go back and watch Love Island Australia when our one finishes so that you can fill the inevitable void we’re all going to be left with. Thank you for your time.
Images via Network 9
