Oh Bruce! This could be the worst movie trailer we've ever seen
We're almost lost for words. And for a website, which needs words in order to exist, that is a very bad thing, so we're just going to power on through...
First of all, the basics:
The movie is called Once Upon A Time In Venice, named after that town in California, not that city in Italy.
It stars Bruce Willis, John Goodman, Famke Janssen, Jason Momoa, Kal Penn and Adam Goldberg.
The movie is written and directed by Robb and Mark Cullen, who are best known to date for providing the screenplay to the Bruce Willis / Tracy Morgan action-comedy Cop-Out.
Before we get into any kind of significant break-down of the trailer, check it out for yourself here:
Here is a mental timeline of my thoughts as the trailer played out:
00.01 - When did Bruce Willis stop giving a shit? Here are the titles of his last six movies: The Marauders, Vice, Rock The Kasbah, Extraction, The Prince, Precious Cargo. How many of those have you even heard of, let alone seen? When did Bruce Willis turn into Steven Seagal?
00.03 - John Goodman: "What are you doing?" Good question, John.
00.07 - In telling us the plot, it is almost as if the screenwriters watched John Wick and Taken and tried to smush them together. What I won't realise at this point, is that the trailer will continue to tell the plot over and over and over again, in case I forgot the convoluted complications of "They took his dog, he wants it back."
00.15 - John Goodman's desk turns into a mini armoury, because the best way to deal with dognapping drug gangs is grenades, apparently.
00.20 - Bruce is having sex with a woman, because if you thought for one second that women aren't constantly throwing themselves at Bruce Willis, you are wrong, because women are still totally throwing themselves at Bruce Willis.
00.30 - PLOT TWIST! This woman already has a bald man in her life, so Bruce must make his escape in the nip, out-running police cars on a skateboard. Because if you think Bruce Willis isn't cool enough to ride skateboards in the nip, you are wrong, because Bruce Willis is still totally cool enough to ride skateboards in the nip.
00.33 - Bruce Willis is a private detective in this movie. I guess the screenwriters were also watching Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
00.35 - Bruce Willis and John Goodman are taking a break from surfing. I really need to see the rest of this scene, where Bruce and John are surfing. Because if you think Bruce and John are too old to be surfing...
00.37 - Bruce and John are drinking tequila at what looks like breakfast time, as young women flirt at them from behind. Are we sure this isn't a documentary? Because everything feels too real right now.
00.44 - John Goodman: "I need to rethink my life." Good introspection, John.
00.47 - "They stole my dog!" Did you forget about the dog? Cos this is about the dog.
00.50 - Kal Penn accuses Bruce Willis of being a racist, based on absolutely nothing. This conversation is very confusing.
00.51 - John is Bruce Willis' assistant. John is played by Thomas Middleditch, who is in TV comedy Silicon Valley. Thomas appears to have forgotten how comedy works for his scenes in this trailer.
00.58 - A barman stabs ... something ... and John didn't enjoy that, cos he was wearing a cowboy hat and somebody spat on the floor. What is this movie, exactly?
01.03 - Donnie and Phil are "druggies", and Bruce doesn't like them, and introduces himself to them fists first.
01.06 - "Where's my dog?" Remember the dog? He's still missing.
01.12 - Jason Momoa is Spider, the big bad drug dealer. He also doubles as the plot narrator, as he introduces us to what feels like a million more people, who are all somehow related to this god-forsaken dog kidnap story.
01.19 - It is so painfully obvious that this conversation between Jason Momoa and Bruce Willis happened in two completely different sets that it's actually kind of hilarious.
01.23 - THERE'S THE DOG!
01.28 - Bruce Willis punches a lot of people, but Bruce Willis is also punched by a lot of people, just in case you thought this was going to be too easy.
01.29 - Never mess with...
01.33 - Strippers! Drugs! Bruce can't start the car!
01.37 - "I want my dog back!" Dog status: still missing.
01.42 - Jason Momoa barks (like a dog, in case you forgot this movie was about a dog) at John, to show how tough he is. We're betting John misses the good old days when it was just stabby barmen and cowboy hats.
01.46 - Hang on. Famke Janssen is in this? Did the trailer editor forget to put her in? Maybe she'll show up at the end.
01.51 - Bruce Willis in a dress! Jason Momoa shoots someone! Hand cuffs! Tequila shots! Bruce meets another dog but it isn't his dog so he isn't happy about it!
01.59 - Remember that car earlier that Bruce couldn't start? Well he finally gets it started, but then all of California fire guns at it, and he crashes it two seconds later in the least cinematic car crash scene ever filmed.
02.05 - "It's got a hint of cinnamon, yo." Did Bruce make muffins for the bad drug gang? Seriously, what is this film?
02.08 - Bruce is playing on the beach with his dog. What are the bets that this is the end of the actual movie, too? The trailer may have just shown us the final shot of the actual movie.
02.10 - Oh, I guess Famke Janssen isn't in this trailer after all.
So there you have it. Once Upon A Time In Venice is in cinemas on 20 June 2017, and the 90th Academy Awards take place on 4 March 2018.