Sorted: all four seasons of House Of Cards in 5 Minutes Or Less

Welcome to 5 Minutes Or Less, a script breakdown for the only the biggest blockbusters, giving you hundreds of millions of dollars worth of explosive big screen action in less than 300 seconds worth of reading or your money back. (You didn't pay for this, so there's nothing to refund here.)

In this edition, buckle up as we get into top gear to take a gander at All four seasons to date of HOUSE OF CARDS. Yes, we know, it isn't a blockbuster movie, but we'll make exceptions for anything involving Kevin Spacey. Obviously, SPOILERS! FADE UP. SEASON ONE. THE WHITE HOUSE. PRESIDENT: Hey, remember when I said I'd make you Secretary Of State...? KEYZER SOZE: He thinks he can just put his knife in my back like that? AUDIENCE: Is he... is he talking to me? CAMERAMAN: Seriously, Kevin, stop looking into the camera. CUT TO. FANCY HOUSE. KEYZER SOZE: A couple that smokes together... ROBIN WRIGHT: ... stays together. I'm really about people having clean water this season, but it is still very clear that I am Up To Something. KEYZER SOZE: Oh, absolutely. Short-hair and no-smiling is basically short-hand for evil, for some reason. ROBIN WRIGHT: I'm totally rocking this short-hair though. AUDIENCE: Yup. CUT TO. LESS FANCY HOUSE. NOT ROONEY MARA: So... I guess we'll have sex? Cos this show is pretty sexy, but not many people are having sex yet. KEYZER SOZE: Yeah, sure thing. But I'm going to use you to leak information about people I don't like, right up until I end up getting the job of Vice President. NOT ROONEY MARA: Sounds good, and there's absolutely no way that will backfi- FADE UP. SEASON TWO. SUBWAY. NOT ROONEY MARA: *gets pushed in front of a train, dies* AUDIENCE: JesusChristWhatTheF*ckJustHappened?!?!?!??! KEYZER SOZE: She should have known better than to mess with me. CAMERAMAN: Kev, man, come on. Anywhere but down the lens. CUT TO. THE WHITE HOUSE. FIRST LADY: Oh Robin Wright, I'm so happy we're BFFs now! ROBIN WRIGHT: Me too! But first, lemme just give a quick interview about rape and abortion and military leaders. FIRST LADY: What's that? CUT TO: RANDOM HOUSE. CHINESE BUSINESSMAN: *has a bisexual threeway that will never be mentioned again* AUDIENCE: JesusChristWhatTheF*ckJustHappened?!?!?!??! CUT TO: FANCY HOUSE. KEYZER SOZE, ROBIN WRIGHT & THEIR BODYGUARD: *have a bisexual threeway that will never be mentioned again* AUDIENCE: Ican'tevencopewiththisanymoreyouguys... CUT TO: WHITE HOUSE PRESIDENT: He did it! KEYZER SOZE: He did it! RICH BUSINESSMAN: He did it! AUDIENCE: I have no idea what is happening, but I feel smarter just watching it. PRESIDENT: *resigns* KEYZER SOZE: That's President Keyzer Soze to you! CAMERAMAN: Seriously, dude! FADE UP. SEASON THREE. THE WHITE HOUSE. PRESIDENT KEYZER SOZE: America Works! EVERYONE ELSE IN AMERICA: Oh no it doesn't! Booooo! Worst President Ever! BOOK WRITER GUY: I will have sexual tension with every character this season. CUT TO: RUSSIA. NOT PRESIDENT PUTIN: I sure do hate them gays. ROBIN WRIGHT: I'm a UN ambassador now, and I would like it if you could let this Important Gay Man go. ABSOLUTELY NOT PRESIDENT PUTIN: Nah. IMPORTANT GAY MAN: *kills self* CUT TO: MIDDLE AMERICA. EX-PROSTITUTE: Listen, I know I've got a lot of information on the President, and I tried to kill you with a rock, but that's no reason to that this so personally. DOUG STAMPER: Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh, about that. EX-PROSTITUTE: *is now an ex-living ex-prostitute* CUT TO: THE WHITE HOUSE. PRESIDENT KEYZER SOZE: Absolutely Definitely In No Way Whatsoever President Putin has made me fire you. ROBIN WRIGHT: Oh yeah? Then me and my awesome hair are out of here! FADE UP. SEASON FOUR. THE WHITE HOUSE. PRESIDENT KEYZER SOZE: Stop leaking information about me! ROBIN WRIGHT: Make me Vice President! PRESIDENT KEYZER SOZE: I hate you! ROBIN WRIGHT: I hate you more! AUDIENCE: Oh, I don't like it when these two fight. Like, at all. PRESIDENT KEYZER SOZE: Oh yeah?! Well then I'm just going to spend most of the rest of this season in a coma! CUT TO: RUSSIA. ABSOLUTELY DEFINITELY 100% NOT PRESIDENT PUTIN: I'm sorry to hear about your nearly dead husband. ROBIN WRIGHT: Shut up, let's just sign a peace treaty and move forward here. I feel we're beginning to lose the audience the longer he's in a coma and having weirdo Twin Peaks hallucinations. CUT TO: THE WHITE HOUSE. PRESIDENT KEYZER SOZE: I'm awake! And I'm totally fine! I'm going to make you my Vice President! ROBIN WRIGHT: Yeah y'are! CUT TO: MIDDLE AMERICA. NEW ROBOCOP: America loves me because Islamic terrorist kidnappers only want to negotiate with me. PRESIDENT KEYZER SOZE: I guess... that makes sense? NEW ROBOCOP: I'm going to be President because I'm more handsome than you are and I've got kids and that makes me more likeable. Plus I'm not going to help you with those Islamic terrorists anymore because I hate you. CUT TO: THE WHITE HOUSE. ROBIN WRIGHT: So those Islamic terrorists are going to kill people live on TV. PRESIDENT KEYZER SOZE: Yup. So I'm going to declare that America is at war with the world. Good thing that this is only a TV show and nobody would really think a President would be this crazy and reactionary. ROBIN WRIGHT: *to camera* Or that he'd have such an evil vice-president. CAMERAMAN: God damn it... FADE UP. SEASON FIVE... In case you missed them, here are our 5 Minutes Or Less scripts for Beauty & The Beast and Fast & Furious 8.