7 burning questions I had while watching Netflix's woeful new series, The I-Land
Who let this happen?
Last week, a show called The I-Land dropped onto Netflix.
Described as a "science fiction web series thriller," the programme follows a group of people who one day wake up together on a deserted island with no idea how they got there?
It shouldn't, but for some reason a lot of people are comparing it to the stunning, gripping, Emmy award winning series LOST, despite it being nothing like that show.
Alright, The I-Land has blatantly tried to copy LOST in some respects, but like, not well - so let's just drop that comparison please, cheers.
The series is bad.
Like, really bad.
Like, I saw Kate Bosworth was starring in the bloody thing and I expected a tad more than I got, but hey, that'll teach me to ever make presumptions about anything ever again.
Originally, I had planned to binge the entire series and write a piece about that expectedly painful series of events.
Then, after one episode I realised that I simply could not, ever, do such a thing to myself.
So instead, here's seven pressing questions I had while watching one episode (yes, one) of The I-Land.
1. Why is that woman blowing that shell?
Picture the scene, right.
You're asleep. You wake up. You're on a deserted island (I-Land, sorry). You've got no idea how you got there and you're dressed like a weekend UPS driver.
What's the first thing you do?
Rationalise the situation? See who else is about? Scream? Cry?
No, apparently you grab the random as fuck shell that you've woken up next to and start blowing it hard as you can for no apparent reason.
Logic, right? No shortage of it.
2. What is wrong with Kate Bosworth's character?
Like, honest to God, what is up with her?
Not only has she torn poor Gabriela a new one for no apparent reason (Notable lines include: "Hey, where's the bitch?", but she's also the only I-Lander who hasn't fashioned herself a totally new #look out of her, eh, uniform.
No torn sleeves and bandanas for her.
She gon' formal.
3. Is sex really the key issue on everybody's minds right now?
C'mon guys, you've been here for a solid 45 minutes and already people are arguing about who they'd like to fuck?
Like, what about being concerned with where you are, why nobody can remember their own name or, I dunno, why you're all starring in the worst show that's ever been made?
There are far more pressing matters at hand.
4. One entire scene is basically a frame-by-frame LOST rip-off, right?
Woman washed up on an island? Check.
Woman decided to do a bit of sunbathing? Check.
Woman told off by somebody else for sunbathing while also being asked if she'd like to help with some unimportant task? Check.
Woman appearing uninterested and also very toned? Check.
Unfortunately, I can't find an actual images of this scene occurring (and I'll be damned if I'm going back through that hellish first episode to find it), so here's the wonderful Maggie Grace instead.
It's basically the same scene. Except shit.
5. Was an attempted sexual assault really necessary?
If you, like me, decide to watch one episode of The I-Land, simply could not be bothered with the rest of them, and spoiled the entire series for yourself via Wikipedia afterwards, then you'll probably know the answer to the above question.
Or at least, the seemingly random as fuck sexual assault will make slightly more sense than it does when it happens in episode one, literally out of nowhere.
But only slightly.
6. Why is nobody concerned about the, I dunno, general scenario?
YOU. ALL. WOKE. UP. ON. A. DESERTED. ISLAND. AND. CAN'T. REMEMBER. A. SINGLE. THING. WHY. IS. NOBODY. PANICKING?!
I'm more stressed out and I'm lying in bed horsing into a Lindt caramel and sea salt dark chocolate bar.
7. Will there be a second season, tho?
C'mon Netflix. Order it.
This is the golden age of TV.