Love Island may be over.
But Love Is Blind has just begun.
The Netflix, ahem, reality show that has taken the internet by storm is pretty much akin to The Bachelor on steroids – except instead of getting to know each other a bit before they enter into a Very Serious Relationship, these contestants know very little.
So little in fact, that they don’t even know what the person they’re going to marry looks like.
Such is the premise of Love Is Blind – a show that is so tragically bad that it’s almost good. Almost.
A selection of sexy singletons enter into a series of pods where they can hear – but cannot see – the people they’re dating.
After a baffling short amount of time, they fall in love, propose to one another, and eventually leave the confines of the pod to meet for the first time, face to face.
However, despite the clear ridiculousness of the series, it has served one crucial and necessary purpose in my life as of late: making me feel one hundred times better about my own questionable romantic escapades.
Here’s why.
(Mild spoilers ahead, naturally.)
1. I have never confessed my love for a man after knowing him for two days
TWO. DAYS.
Now, I am not up to date on Love Is Blind. I have not viewed each and every one of its nine episodes currently available on Netflix.
However, I am aware that Lauren and Cameron need to be protected at all costs.
The only couple on the show who have displayed any amount of genuine emotion towards one another – and yet, one struggles to forget that they bawled crying the second time they ‘met’ one another and professed their love within that same interim.
After two days. TWO DAYS.
I’ve kept burritos in the fridge longer than that.
2. I have never broken up with a guy for telling me he is bisexual
In fact, I would welcome the news.
For some reason, Carlton’s admission to Diamond that he had dated men in the past provided the bombshell moment of the series.
The poor man told his fiancée that he had also been into guys, only to have her appear shocked, appalled, and downright disgusted at his admission.
Sure, she then justified her reaction by saying that she would have liked to have known about this considerable part of his life before they had gotten engaged, but I’m sure there are lots of things all of the contestants would like to have known before they were engaged.
Like what their partner looked like, for example.
Y’know, the little things.
3. I will never lose the run of myself for a guy named ‘Barnett’
Self explanatory, really.
4. I do not have a tattoo of The Holy Cross on my abdomen with spaces left blank for the names of my future children
Nor have I ever told anybody I have been dating about existence of such a tattoo within three days of meeting them.
Look, I get it. The people in Love Is Blind are only on Love Is Blind because they are a very specific kind of people.
They’re dramatic. They’re mad for love. They’re willing to settle down with the first person whose voice sounds mildly nice and who doesn’t say their name immediately reminds them of that of a stripper.
The standards are low, the stakes are high – and yet, there is never an excuse for unfinished, presumptive religious ink.
5. I know now, that I am a good person
No matter what I have done. No matter what faults I have procured. No matter who I have hurt in the past…
At least I know that I will never be a contestant on Love Is Blind.
