Flirty waiters and Insta huns.
Brunch, a portmanteau of the words breakfast and lunch, is a cultural phenomenon that has been burdened by significance that goes far beyond its original merry directive of merely eating a breakfast type meal late and bringing the cocktail hour forward.
Academics have condemned brunch as a symbol of gentrification, of conspicuous consumption or general assholery. And yes there is a certain showing off about sitting around in Abercrombie hoodies doing dishevelled chic and paying 20 quid for eggs on toast, but dammit we work hard and we want our Bloody Marys. By far the best thing about brunch in this town is the people watching so here’s 10 people you WILL meet at brunch this weekend…
1. The guy with the list
This guy doesn’t want to give you brunch until you have put your name down and waited at least 40 minutes for a table to come free. I am so sick of no reservations policy that the next time a maitre d’ tells me they’ll take my number and ring when a table is free I’m gonna tell him my phone number is “086… go F*CK YOURSELF AND JUST TAKE BOOKINGS”. What are the restaurants gaining from not taking a reservation? Is it just to make them look really ‘in demand’ with a line of hangry people queueing up to give some d-bag their number? *Draw breath* I’ve had an issue with this system for some time now. Also I might be a bit hungry…
2. Shirty waiter
This guy wants to make you feel even angrier about having to pay 16 quid for poached eggs. Shirty waiter can barely conceal his contempt for you. My policy is to goad him. Ask for a soy chai latte and make at least four annoying amendments to your order “sauce on the side, no oil” that kind of thing, they love that.
3. Flirty waiter
Every smart, reasonably hot waiter knows how to work a table of brunching women. And it works every time. On some level we know that he’s being paid to pretend to fancy us and that in our current state of hangover not even a sex offender would flirt with us but still a small part of us can’t help but hope. Invariably we elect to tip the full 20% and then feel dirty because we essentially just paid a man to metaphorically massage our egos.
4. The “I was so drunk” guy
The guy on table 5 was so pissed last night that he ended up going home with a nurse he met in Coppers, vomming in the taxi and then getting the nurse to pay the soiling charge. And how do we know this? Because he is so loud and obnoxious, the whole restaurant knows this.
5. The girl who REEEEEALLLY wants the wings but orders granola
Major fail. She’ll regret that all week, that’s a guarantee.
6. The yoga babes
They’ve all just come from a really energising Ballet Barre class, and they’re almost unbearable to watch while we’re trying to enjoy our huevos rancheros, fries and hollandaise on the side. The yoga babes are Shirty Waiter’s ultimate nemeses. They’re liable to ask something like, “would it be possible to get an egg white omelette? With no cheese or butter. And would you happen to have some bee pollen?”
7. The parents desperately trying to get a few cocktails into them
God love them, for parents Sunday brunch is the new Friday night. While most brunch attendees just slobbed out of bed and came straight here. The parents have been up since 7 am, killing time until the List Guy deigned to let them in at noon. To look at, the parents at brunch are having no fun. They’re trying to field their wild offspring while knocking back as many mimosas required to make it through the rest of the day.
8. The screaming child
A good reminder to practice safe sex.
9. The food blogger
Self-appointed inventors of the Irish brunch ‘scene’ and ruiners of dining experiences everywhere…
10. The table who won’t take their sunglasses off
FYI: You look like dicks.
