Once you get the hang of the utter weirdness of introducing your other half as your *cringe* husband, you’ll probably start to notice how post-wedding, life changes subtly in a myriad of other ways, here’s 10 things that happen when you get married…
Name change debate
To hyphenate or not to hyphenate? The hyphenate can backfire, take my surname White, had I gone the hyphenated route I might’ve ended up with a last name like White-Burn which sounds vaguely like a racist hate crime. Name mashups also do not work, if Dawn O’Porter and Chris O’Dowd aren’t cool enough to pull off a novelty moniker, what hope do the rest of us have?
“Well? How’s married life treating you?”
Absolutely everyone asks how marriage is treating you which considering it’s 2015, and yours was presumably not an arranged marriage is fairly pointless. Married life is different but it’s not that much different to the last four years that ye’ve been together, now is it?
Arguing starts to feel futile
A few minutes into a row it will become apparent that chopping onions on the bread board or getting bike oil all over the couch while deeply irritating many not exactly be divorce-worthy. Pre-marriage half the fun of these spats was the threat, however remote, that this might be the fight to finally split you up. THIS refusal to avail of the toilet brush of all the previous refusals to avail of the toilet brush just might be the one to give you the impetus to move out, move into that studio apartment, get really into Bikram, take up a jewellery design course and finally start living the life of your dreams. Post-marriage, few fights let’s face it are divorce-worthy, so all we can do is shrug and move on with our day.
That whole statistic about people being most likely to be murdered by their spouses starts to feel very true
One day I can quite easily imagine having THIS thought: “Why does he think that the washing up does not include the pots and pans? WHHYYYYYYYYY??????” rapidly followed by me calmly placing a pillow over his face while he sleeps and muttering, “sleep, you non-pot-washing, bastard, sleeeeeeep.”
New found confidence about bitching about the in-laws
Pre-marriage it was dangerous to be too vocal (or honest) about your opinions on your partner’s family. The marriage marks a crucial moment in a man’s life when his loyalties veer from the woman who gave him life over to the woman who now owns his life. It’s awesome. Mother-in-law’s a bitch? Speak freely. Let it ALL out because once the paper they have you sign during the ceremony is filed it’s gonna be WAAAAY more inconvenient to get rid of you than her. Win.
Bar lowers dramatically regarding bodily functions
This is an unfortunate side effect of the state of matrimony, holding it in seems no longer necessary once they’re contractually obliged to fancy us. And once we let one slip in their presence, inevitably the floodgates BURST open until one night during a lovely meal, one of you quite openly cocks to the side, slips one out and the conversation resumes like nothing happened. It’s depressing.
Privacy is a thing of the past
Lengthy conversations take place through the bathroom door; the toilet is no longer a place of sanctuary. Add kids into that mix and you may never be alone in the loo again, prepare for mass defecations taking place just inches from where you are trying to have a nice, relaxing shower.
The question, “what’s for dinner?” SERIOUSLY loses its novelty
Why don’t YOU ever know what’s for dinner?????? AAAAAAAGGGGHHHH, rage.
Womb Watch
“Any kids yet?” asks every random person you meet. The pressure to procreate hits once that bouquet is thrown. It’s tempting to shame people who ask this question which is at best intrusive or at worst downright insensitive. Best ignore them and try to reassure your uterus that it is not being watched by your entire extended family, as understandably it is feeling fairly frightened of all the attention.
Watching another episode of The Good Wife starts to look just as (if not MORE) attractive than having sex with each other
That’s when you know it’s time for The Affair. Not adultery, the TV show… it’s boss and beats watching the Good Wife or having sex ANY day. THIS chick’s in it….
