10 Times Having a Mother Was Just Too Much
We love our mothers so much, that goes without saying, but sometimes I can't help but wish that I'd never given her my phone number.
That loving relationship can be a bit (a lot) claustrophobic. The feels are pretty intense. Nobody in the world can make me as angry as she makes me. My mother has a way of saying "you look nice" that literally makes my blood boil and gives me the urge to kick something. Our relationship is pretty volatile: on the one hand she's my best friend but on the other hand, I kind of strongly suspect that one day we're going to wind up killing each other.
So here's 10 times having a mother was just too much...
Pretty much any time she calls.
I only have to see that number and I get a little twitch in my eyelid.
Whenever her DVD/TV needs programming.
AAArrrggghhhhh, I don't know how to do it either. Children born after 1980 didn't come with the programming-DVD-players-setting already installed in them. I have to do the same thing as you do: READ THE INSTRUCTIONS.
If she gets wind that you're going to Ikea and she asks you to pick up "a few bits" for her.
Every Ikea trip is hijacked by the mother. One time the "few bits" translated as one Billy bookcase, a full 10-piece crockery set and "something to throw over the sofa" (hint: whatEVER you pick will not meet her exacting standards).
Any sentence that begins "do you want my honest opinion..."
They never give us time to say: "NOOOO! No, actually I don't want your honest opinion." And a lot of the time their honest opinion really hurts our feelings, like the time they told us we couldn't wear shorts when we were already wearing shorts.
"You were such a good baby" (*shakes head sadly and sighs heavily*)
Meaning that we were once a compliant and submissive being who was physically incapable of telling her to eff off. So pretty much the same as now then...
"Do you really need that?"
Gesturing to whatever food item is already in our mouth. "You will not ruin this for me, mum."
When we don't return their phone calls in a timely fashion.
Seventeen missed calls from mum. They are literally like jealous girlfriends. What do they think, that we're seeing other mothers?
"I was four stone on my wedding day."
Their ability to exaggerate their pre-baby hotness knows no bounds. It also seems to be implied that we wrecked their figures on purpose... cuz, ya know, babies are really conniving like that.
"Mairead from bridge club's daughter, Saoirse joined Slimming World, and she looks fantastic."
Why is she telling me this? Everyone has a 'Saoirse', right? The cousin or the friend's child that did everything right. Saoirse did everything her mother asked of her. Saoirse was captain of the hockey team, got nine A1s in the Leaving and is now up to her Slimming World arse in success with a stable job, a pending engagement and a boring but impressively together and grown-up existence. I hate Saoirse.
When the sh*t's hitting the fan and they make tea.
It's equal parts infuriating and adorable. I'm in the middle of a real sh*t-storm here, tea is not going to solve this. And yet the tea is comforting, and it reminds us how lucky we are to have them and also how much we're going to miss them after we kill them.