The original bridesmaids were servants or slaves rather than social equals according to the Book of Genesis which is more than enough to give prospective bridesmaids a 'no' feeling before they've even seen the coral dress, however, these days it is an honour (and with the invention of Prosecco cocktails) much more fun to attend to your friend in the run up to her wedding.
Expect wedding planning and pinteresting sessions, along with gin-fuelled bunting making and many a late night reminiscing about your friendship as you prepare for the nuptials. It's a time to cherish... at least the first few times. It's understandable that the serial bridesmaid might become a teensy bit more disillusioned with the whole thing.
10 True Struggles of the Serial Bridesmaid:
The Dress
"It'll suit everyone and the best part is you can wear it again..."
Riiiiiiiight. Because everyone wants to show up at a subsequent event dressed like a substitute bridesmaid in case one of the real bridesmaids suffers a terrible last minute accident (let's face it, quite possibly on purpose to shirk the dreaded bridesmaid's duties). Also, the "it'll suit everyone" part should probably be amended to state "...everyone who is a perfect size 8 with a natural tan and incredibly toned arms who has never eaten a three-in-one).
The Pity
"Always the bridesmaid..."
Someone has to say this to you in your capacity as "Forlorn 32-year-old Spinster". Feel free to erupt and shriek at them about being left on the shelf to die alone and eventually be feasted on by your entourage of cats. Or alternatively, tell them how much you detest the thought of monogamy and relate the slim chances of actually having a successful marriage in this day and age.
The Hen
"Organise the hen? Sure! How hard can it be???"
Warning. Warning. Major pain in the face alert. Organising a hen will replace giving birth to a 19 lb baby with no epidural while listening to the song "Where's Me Jumper?" on repeat while someone plays "Not Touching, Can't Get Mad" with your face as THE most painful, annoying thing you'll ever have to do. This is in no way an overstatement. At. All.
The Bride
"I promise I will NOT be turning into some awful Bridezilla."
Says every soon-to-be Bridezilla ever. It's not her fault it's a result of the cultural brainwashing that takes place around weddings. The bride spends the best part of a year involved in planning a giant event around celebrating her (and some life partner is also involved apparently) the budget of which would do for a downpayment on a house, with people constantly saying "remember this is YOUR day". Of course, we go a little mad on the ego trip.
The Mother of the Bride
It's a bit unnatural to spend so much time with the mother of a friend, but this comes with the territory of being a bridesmaid. The MOB's job is to argue with her daughter over the table plan, the menu, the music choices, the off-white invitation versus the ivory invitation and the dress. The bridesmaid's job is to act as a buffer between the Bride and the MOB. The MOB is 100 times more mental than the Bride or Groom, and one must tread a fine line between appearing to agree with her and maintaining allegiance to The Bride at all times.
The Awkward Set Up
"Johnny's cousin, Graham is gorgeous and single..."
Run. Bored with the "happy couple" everyone at the afters will become consumed with pimping you off to the nearest single man regardless of your complete lack of interest.
The Toilets
In the toilets of the wedding, you will be demoted from Bridesmaid to Piss Facilitator. Lifting the Bride's dress is a milestone of friendship to be cherished. We draw the line at wiping though.
The Speech
The key to giving a good speech is having too many glasses of prosecco early on in the day, then panicking at the thought of making a speech and carb-loading during dinner in the hopes of sobering up. The resulting mild drunkenness and carb-hangover will leave you definitely not giving a shite about anything – the perfect conditions for giving a good speech. God speed.
The Prosecco
Worst. Drink. Ever. Two proseccos in and your mouth tastes like ass; then you have to keep Prosecco-loading to drown out the ass-taste. Johnny's cousin, Graham has a lot to thank Prosecco for after you decide (in a haze of Prosecco-logic) to score him to shut the elders up.
The Handsy Uncle
The final unfortunate side effect of being a bridesmaid is fielding the handsy uncle. Tiresome in the extreme.
