Alcohol is the most evil seductress of all.
She makes you want to have sex and makes it EXTREMELY challenging to have sex, all at the same time.
You may think (and will probably say) that this is the pleasure train and you’re the driver, but really you are definitely not in a position to operate heavy machinery.
All across the nation, people will be having drunk Valentine’s Day sex.
But here’s why drunk sex shouldn’t be a thing.
1. You literally think you’re Beyoncé
You are drunk in love. You are a sexual being. You have mayo in your hair.
2. The skinny jeans dance
What is usually a silent struggle behind the wardrobe door has now become a seductive dance of enchantment.
It ends with a bang on the head that might need medical attention.
3. The Spanx dilemma
The moment you remember you are wearing control knickers and the subsequent scramble to find somewhere to hide them.
4. The spinnies
You obviously want to be on top (you’re Beyoncé, remember?), but the spinnies mean your only legit option is to starfish and wait.
5. Noise pollution
Everyone knows you’re having sex. Your friends you left at the club, the kindly taxi driver, and now your next door neighbour.
6. The dirty talk
Every porno you have ever watched plays a part in your award-winning verbal performance here.
Things you had no idea you were capable of saying.
We can hope they won’t remember, but they always do.
7. Worse than dirty talk…
Now would probably be the best time to tell your man-friend that you love him.
Just make sure you have an hour to spare tomorrow to hold your knees and rock back and forth.
8. Bad hand/eye coordination
Even though you’ve insisted on leaving the lights on, he is having some serious trouble pushing the right buttons.
His intentions are honourable but the application is lacking.
9. Breathing issues
At best we have drink breath… at worst garlic and cheese chip breath.
10. The moment everything changes
When you go from fun-and-functioning drunk, to nauseous-going-to-vomit-on-your-face drunk.
11. The aftermath
Over the next few days you will get flashbacks of things you said, “spontaneous” positions you tried and find bruises in weird places.
And you can’t for the life of you remember where you hid your spanx.
