If you work in an office then chances are you are probably reading this at work right now.
Go you. You are getting paid to internet shop, update your various social media platforms, work on your novel and read this totally work-related, highly relevant to your current project article on the universal truths of offices everywhere...
13 Truths About Working in an Office:
There is always a heavy breather
"F*ck Off," you scream-think 82,000 times a day, "shut up, shut up, shut UUUUUUP."
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You know EVERYTHING about Saoirse's sister's hairdresser's baby's christening
The loud anecdoting is rarely interesting, HOWEVER if someone is talking quietly do EVERYTHING in your power to listen in.
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Very little actual work takes place in an office
Pretending to work is basically a full time job.
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Tea-making could count as an olympic sport
And takes up a large part of the day.
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You will know way too much about the toilet habits of others
Toilets must be avoided if at all possible during the 11 am mass defecation.
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People revert to a junior infants level in terms of hygiene in common areas
The office kitchen is worse than your house share in Rialto during second year college – there is a chicken fillet roll from 2004. Also someone is always cooking some overly ambitious hell-concoction in the oven or reheating fish – unforgivable.
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The only thing worse than a sad Desk Sandwich is a vaguely pornographic Desk Peach
Don't each peaches at your desk, it sounds exactly like you are performing oral sex on a piece of fruit.
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Someone is always "really stressed"
They can be found near the kettle expending a lot of time and energy telling everyone about how stressed they are, rather than addressing the cause of the stress.
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Try not to resent the smokers
Their work-dodging is damaging their health...
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Be kind to your hungover work colleague, that'll be you in a few hours time if the office drinks in Coppers goes to plan
See also The 6 Emotional Stages of Being Hungover at Work.
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There's always an awkward shift
When office romance goes bad: This pair are easily identified as most likely they haven't spoken to each other in months. Do try to make this more awkward, it's like an office sport.
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Changing the water fountain bottle unaided will make you feel like a goddamn hero
True story.
People's phone voices are weird
Don't hold this against them, yours is too.
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Main image via YouTube
