“Throughout my talk, she cried. Just silent tears running down her cheeks…”
*Warning: this story contains details of suicidal ideation, self harm, and depression.
Ellen Downey is a primary school teacher from Cork. When she was growing up, she experienced what she describes as an “immense depression” leaving her confused, embarrassed and ashamed to ask for help.
Ellen didn’t understand why she, a seemingly ‘normal’ person with a ‘normal’ upbringing, was struggling to sleep at night.
She had always known that she was emotional, but as school turned to college, she noticed that this emotion had become something more debilitating.
In secondary school, she was voted the happiest person in her year. Now, at 30, she says that was lucky to survive that period of her life.
“I truly believed I was just ‘over emotional’ and that I didn’t deserve help,” she says.
“No one seemed worried. That’s just what people thought. It’s what I thought. I thought that I had no reason to have any other title on it. I did have an easy life. And so I fell through the cracks.”
Ellen began experiencing more sleepless nights. She felt worthless, she felt numb.
She began to self harm, eventually convincing herself that she didn’t deserve any help. She says she felt ashamed for even thinking that she did.
“I didn’t have any real problem,” she says, “and that this was my only option, the best thing for everyone.”
Ellen says that now, she understands her emotions better. She accepts that she has depression and that it’s OK to ask for help irrespective of what has or happened in her life.
However, she also understands that when you’re a teenage of 17 or 18, or a young person in their 20s, this might not be so easy to accept.
“I was continuously in hiding and in fear I would get found out,” she says. “I was scared the staff in my school would find out and judge me, I was worried parents would find out and would not want me teaching their children, that my parents would find out and be ashamed.”
“It got to the point where I couldn’t deal with that constant fear.”
Ellen decided that she had to speak out for the sake of her health.
She says that, little-by-little, she told her family, her friends, the other teachers she worked with. The support she received pushed her to speak more, eventually leading to her decision to start giving talks to school and college students about her depression.
“I just tell my story,” she says.
“They need the reassurance. They need to know they are going to be OK. They need to understand that there will be shit days, and great days, and each day they will get through it.
“I want to make sure that nobody falls through the cracks like I did.”
A few years ago, Ellen gave a talk to a group of school students. It was there that she noticed a young girl in the third row.
“Throughout my talk, she cried,” Ellen says. “Just silent tears running down her cheeks as I spoke.”
“After the talk I told the teacher. Yes, I was told, that girl is actually OK, just very emotional.”
Ellen says that although many schools are trying desperately hard to meet the needs of students’ mental health issues, she also knows that teachers alone are not equipped with the necessary training, resources, or time .
“No one thing is going to fix the mental health question in Ireland,” she says. “But talking about it, and working together, and realising its OK to feel like this will certainly help.”
“Something needs to be done to make sure we do not see their faces on missing posters and death notices.”
Ellen says that she wants the voices of Irish students to be heard.
She wants them to be educated about mental health from a young age, to be taught how to manage their own emotions, and to know where to go for help when they need it.
“If one person who heard me tell my story got the confidence to tell theirs, it would be worth it.”
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article you can contact Samaritans on 116 123 or email [email protected]
November is Mental Health Month on Her, where we’ll be talking to you and the experts about some of the common – and the not so common – disorders and conditions affecting women in Ireland today.
You can follow the rest of our Mental Health Month series here.
Want to get in touch? Email me at [email protected].
