Ah, Toast you're a cruel mistress.
Toast is like the yawn of the food world, once one person's at it, everyone wants a piece of toast. Though who can stop at just one???
Just getting a little whiff of that toasty toast scent in the nostril area can spark a toast frenzy of grotesque and unfortunately absolutely unstoppable proportions. The worst toast-benders usually kick off post-night out, when you were either too late for the chipper or had yourself convinced that you weren't getting anything on the way home that you might regret tomorrow when you wake up having fallen asleep on the couch with the taco chips still balanced precariously on your chest. Of course, we all know the toast-bender is really no better.
The 7 Stages of HOUNDING a Sliced Pan During an Epic Toast-Bender:
Stage 1: Convince yourself you're only having one slice
Lurch to the toaster and put two in just to be on the safe side.
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Stage 2: Buttering
It is important not to short-change yourself on the butter. Someone at the pub said "Fats are essential to a balanced diet," you drunk-remember from a few hours earlier, and they looked pretty fit and were going on about putting protein powder in with their overnight oats. The essential word you're forgetting is 'healthy' they actually said 'healthy fats'. "They definitely said the word 'butter'" Drunk-Logic persists. It was almond butter but whatever, you're in deep now the toast is browning up nicely, time to place thick slices of butter on top.
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Stage 3: Round two
After effortlessly dispatching the toast to the Toast Pit (formerly known as your stomach) return to the kitchen and casually slip another couple of slices in the toaster. If you don't really think about it or pay attention to what you're doing, it's like it's not really happening....
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Stage 4: Repeat stages 1, 2 and 3 until the spliced pan is nearly gone
Feel the first stirrings of that old familiar feeling: Toast Remorse. "Why did I eat so much damn toast?"
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Stage 5: Begin to feel so full of toast that you actually need to lie down
Marvel at just how full eight slices of toast can make a person – you can still sense that last ill-advised slice lingering at the top of your oesophagus refusing to go down.
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Stage 6: Discover crumbs in really unlikely places
The self-esteem hits an all-time low when, lying slumped on the couch, you discover toast crumbs have settled in your chin rolls.
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Stage 7: Vow To never eat so much toast again
Until next weekend brings the siren call of Pat the Baker.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIzL2ejMcYk
