“I LOST 3lbs!”
Wanting to spend all your waking hours bragging is exhausting. Why won’t people provide you with a suitable platform to boast non-stop about how things are continually coming up Millhouse for you? Sake.
Well fret no more. I’ve come up with a handy guide that you can reference when you desperately want to drop into conversation that you’ve lost 3lbs.
1. Ask someone else if they’ve lost weight
This will throw the unsuspecting soul off the scent. They’ll laugh, feel secretly flattered and then ultimately turn the focus onto you. At this point, it’s your time to shine. “What? Me? Well, yeah actually I’ve just laid off the Club Milks and been going for a quick walk three times a week, resulting in a weight loss of 3lbs”.
2. Look around a lot
Keep your eyes low and frantically scan all around you until someone takes notice. If it’s taking too long, loudly sigh and try to be visibly upset. Nearby fools will ask if you’re ok, checking to see if you need help or if you’ve lost something. “Yes, indeed I have lost something. 3 bloody pounds, that’s what!”
3. Fake faint
Nothing draws as much attention to someone as having a big dramatic faint. You’re going to need to do this in quite a built-up area, maybe at a cousin’s confirmation or a friend’s birthday party. After you faint, it’s vital that you inform people that you’ve recently lost 3lbs, under the disguise of troubleshooting reasons as to why you have collapsed.
4. Order too much food
Concerned friends will likely remark that two starters and three main courses are far too much for one person, at which point you can interject with your supreme boast of how you have recently lost 3lbs so you are rewarding yourself. Then smugly ask for the dessert menu.
5. Purposely buy clothes a size too big
This will give the illusion that you have lost even more than 3lbs. Ideally, a friend of yours will remark that your clothes are swimming on you, prompting you to act surprised and then delightfully say “Oh, that must be because I’ve lost 3lbs”.
6. File a report with the Gardaí
There’s no such thing as time wasting when there’s bragging to be done. Phone or call into your nearest Garda station and inform them that you’d like to fill in a missing item report. As you’re filling it in, ask to speak to the highest ranking Garda in the building, so you can proudly tell him that you’ve lost 3lbs.
7. Write a vague Facebook status
You’ll need to concoct something along the lines of “Wow. Good things really DO come to those who wait. Feeling honoured and blessed xx”. This will, hopefully, result in a sea of inquisition as to what’s going on with you. Let the suspense build for a few hours, then proudly silence the queries with your admission, “I LOST 3lbs”.
