#AgonyCant Can you be friends with someone you fancy? 2 years ago

#AgonyCant Can you be friends with someone you fancy?

agony can't

"Can you be friends with a crush?"

That's it, that's the whole question.

Despite the lack of contextual info given here though, this #AgonyCan't submission has given way to a whole load of debate on the Her desk.

I'd thought it was a fairly straight forward issue, but clearly I've been spending way too much casually falling in and out love with people I vaguely consider mates.

Or, at least, just fancying them a little bit.

The way I see it, crushes are normal. They don't have to be incredible displays of affection fuelled with intense emotion and inevitable distress if things don't work out the way you potentially wanted them too.

Plus, it's entirely possible to have a crush on somebody and not want to be in a relationship with them.

It can simply be a means of offloading all of that sexual tension that's been building up between yourself and, well, anybody for the past while.

It can be something to do, someone to look at, just anything to take your mind off the monotony of the day.

After all, crushes are exciting. There's not one person in this world who gets a message or an Instagram like off someone they fancy and doesn't feel even the mildest form of delight.

It's just nice - and you shouldn't restrict yourself a nice feeling just because someone's your mate. And who knows, you might not be just mates forever.

In order to give this topic the full weight it deserves though (and to ensure that I've not inadvertently ruined anybody's life by telling them to go ahead and fancy a load of people they have no chance of ever being with), I've enlisted the help of Her's Anna to give a load of reasons as to why you maybe can't be friends with a crush.

Here's what she said:

I’m a big believer that a relationship should just be a friendship with someone whose clothes you want to rip off. But being ‘just friends’ with someone whose clothes you want to rip off? Nope.

I don’t believe you can ever really be good friends with a crush. I’m not talking When Harry Met Sally - you can be friends with someone you’re attracted to, just not someone you actually properly want.

A proper friendship is one that’s even and mutual. If you’re starting from a point where one person has different intentions to the other then all of the craic, the trust and everything else the friendship is built on will eventually become confusing for one of you - and possibly for both of you.

It’s also pretty unfair to pin your hopes on someone who doesn’t see you as anything more than a friend.

Even if you have no intention of doing anything about how you feel, being that close to someone and really liking them without being able to do anything about it will mess with your head.

Close friendships, like relationships, affect our self-esteem. If you think you can be good friends with someone who you really like without it negatively affecting how you feel about yourself in the long run, maybe think twice.

So there you go, all the advice you could ever possibly want on one issue.

Work away with your crushes.

Or don't, whatever.

"Why do men try so hard on dating apps to seem 'funny' and 'approachable', but invariably they end up looking creepy as hell?"

I'm going to go ahead and take those inverted commas as proof that these men are being neither 'funny' nor 'approachable.'

While I don't know the ins and outs of this particular scenario, I've been on enough dating apps during my short time on this earth to say that this is probably what's been going down.

Lads have been messaging you *ahem* 'jokes' that either aren't funny or are extremely offensive. When they don't get the desired response from these jokes they get aggressive and ask you what your problem is.

Or they've just been sending creepy shit like 'Would love a spoon... or a fork lol.'

Either or.

If this is the case, I would posit that there is no one answer as to why these men are sending these things. They are simply bored, being creepy online because they're bored, or being creepy online because they are also creepy in real life.

That's it.

At the same time though, dating apps are not real life and people are unlikely to be the same person in the flesh as they are on social media.

I know that I've completely discounted certain guys in the past because I thought their chat was weak, or they were shit at replying, or they didn't make me laugh via the questionable art of Tinder messages.

The reality is though that not everybody in the world is on top of their game when it comes to social media and texting.

Some people don't spend every minute of every day glued to their phones (shocking, we know), don't like communicating primarily via WhatsApp, or maybe just aren't as skilled at portraying a version of themselves online that you're going to be interested in.

Cue them trying to be funny and approachable but really just falling flat on their phone screens because nobody has any interest and it just comes across a bit awkward even though they might be perfectly, incredible, fine in real life.

Or they could just be creeps, who knows?

I suppose the idea here is not to judge people too harshly on their dating app game... unless they're being total dickheads then judge away.

No one has time for creeps.


Worried about going on a first date with someone new? Got some lad onto you who won't take the hint? Are you being ghosted, breadcrumbed, or some other new form of dating trend? Just need somewhere to vent about everything that's wrong with your love life? Same, to be honest.

Don't worry though because at Her we've been there, we are still there, and we can maybe even give you some decent advice. At the end of the day, #ShiftHappens to all of us. 

Send all questions here or email Jade@her.ie. All submissions will be published anonymously.