‘Just The One’ – Five Lies You Tell Yourself Every Weekend

As Friday rolls around again we’re all full of great plans for the weekend. We’ll probably climb a mountain, raise a few grand for charity and make enough home-cooked food to fill ten freezers. 

Or, flake out on the couch for 13 hours straight watching the new season of House of Cards. There’s an ass groove in that couch that needs some work…

Here are five lies we tell ourselves every weekend. Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

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I’ll Do A Massive Wardrobe Clearout

In theory: Every press and drawer in the house is full, along with all the bags under the stairs and the three suitcases you left at your mam’s house. No one needs this amount of clothes. It’s time to clear it all out! A clutter free life and streamlined closet awaits me.

In reality: Just over two hours in you hit the wall. “I probably will wear this, sometime.” “But aquamarine and purple is so in this season.” “This still has the tag on it.” Finally, and crucially, “I’m bored.” So you shove it all back under the bed and cling proudly to the plastic carrier bag of donations you’re happy to part with.

 

I’m Definitely Going Out 

In Theory: Somewhere in your mid to late twenties, staying in became the new going out. Who wants to be groped and bothered in a club where you can’t even hear your mates? Staying in with a couple of bottles of prosecco and a few good mates is a joy, but you’re afeared of growing old before you’re time. You haven’t been out since Christmas. Tonight is the night.

In Reality: You all took off your shoes once you got to the pre-drinking house. It’s really hard to put them back on. It’s raining outside. It’s lovely and cosy here. Graham Norton is particularly hilarious tonight and according to Twitter town is dead anyway. Sure we’ll stay in, we’ll all go out next weekend instead…

 

I’ll Catch Up With Everyone

In Theory: I haven’t seen any of my mates in ages. I’ll arrange a catch-up for Saturday night with everyone who’s around. I’ll respond to every WhatsApp, text and Facebook mail waiting for me and I’ll arrange Skype sessions for all the friends Down Under. I am the BEST FRIEND EVER.

In Reality: Talking requires effort. More couch.

 

I’ll Get Loads of Exercise 

In Theory: This weekend is supposed to be lovely. I’ll get up early for a hike on Saturday. I might hit the gym for a swim session later, then treat myself to a sauna and a steam room. Then I’ll take the dog for the longest walk of his life on Sunday. I could do with blowing off the cobwebs.

In Reality: I got up early every day this week. I deserve a lie-in. I deserve two. I did walk around the shops all night on Wednesday, so in fairness that counts as a workout. I don’t really have the proper gear for hiking. I just got my hair done, the chlorine will wreck it. Look at the dog, he’s so tired – he doesn’t want to go anywhere.

 

I’m Getting Organised for the Week on Sunday Night

In Theory: Monday mornings are the absolute worst. I’m going to make it easier on myself by doing all my ironing for the week on Sunday night, getting to bed early and making sure my (healthy) lunch is packed and ready for the morning, and breakfast plates are waiting for me in the kitchen.

In Reality: The FEAR set in in earnest after Room To Improve ended. It’s the modern day equivalent of the Glenroe feeling, and the last thing I want to do is homework. Sure it only takes a few minutes to get ready in the morning anyway. I’ll just relax and enjoy the rest of my weekend now. Be grand.