Mam! Help! – Eleven Occasions You Really Need Your Mammy

You left home quite a few years ago, but there are still occasions when you feel the need to call on the help of Mam. Let’s face it, there are some occasions when she knows best.

1. When you can’t find something

“Mam! Seriously! I’ve looked everywhere, I cannot find that scarf!” Then the inevitable occurs, she will storm up the stairs, straight into your room, open the wardrobe, take out said scarf and say “this scarf, is it?” And your reply will be: “I swear it wasn’t there when I looked the last time.”

2. When that button has fallen off

Sure, you have finished secondary school, you might even have a degree or a Masters but you cannot sew for the life of you and if you can, well you’re the lucky one. Be honest, how many times have you heard: “I’m going home this weekend, I’ll ask my Mam to sew it back on. I can’t sew for the life of me.”

3. Taking the knots out of a chain.

You approach your mother, already knowing that she will say to you: “what did I tell you about looking after your jewellery?” You will then reply: “Mam, I can’t get them apart.” So, the two of you will sit at the table trying to untangle about seventy necklaces while she curses you the entire time.

4. When you get sick

You are moving like a zombie, no one is happy you have somehow managed to crawl on to the bus and are now proceeding to cough and splutter everywhere. It doesn’t matter. You are on a mission; you need to get home so your Mam can make you honey and lemon. For some reason, your one doesn’t taste right at all.

5. Various threatening insects (mainly spiders)

Mam doesn’t live with you anymore so there is no other solution than to stand in your room and scream at the spider who has happily taken up residence... on your bed. So you ring her and her reply will be: “ok, what do you want me to do about it? He’s more afraid of you than you are of him.” No help. At all.

6. Getting your heart broken

You arrive home and take up wearing pyjamas twenty-fours a day while guzzling down litres of Ben & Jerry’s. You haven’t spoken about what is going on, but you know you don’t have to say anything. “Would you like to get some take-away?”

7. Cooking

Be honest, we weren’t all born with the cheffing skills of Jamie Oliver, it took a little bit of practice. It also took a lot of: “Mam, what the hell is ground cumin??”

8. Fight with your Friend

“I am telling you right now, Mam, I am never speaking to her again.” Oh, if they had a euro for every time that heard that particular gem. Next week they know it will be a case of them enquiring where you are going, you will reply: “oh, I’m off out with so and so.” Then, there is that smile and reply: “oh, we’re friends again, are we?”

9. Washing

You call your Mam and inform her that you have managed to dye everything that was white in your wardrobe pink. She will enquire: “did you not separate the clothes?” That is not what you want to hear right now, you want her to tell you the washing machine decided they should be pink. However, she will finish with: “well, it’s an excuse to go shopping, isn’t it?”

10. Buying anything... In general

You have gone into town, you do not have a cent on you until your pay cheque comes through but you see a beautiful dress in your favourite shop. There is no occasion but you must have it. You call your Mam: “how much is it? Ah, just get it. You’ll regret it if you don’t.” What is interesting is you are always being told you have too much clothes, but on the other hand, it was the push you needed. Hello new dress!

11. Being an adult

When you were 16, all you wanted to be was 22 with your own place, wild parties and friends but the older you get you realise your Mom was really your greatest guide and you never even knew it.