My (Entirely Possible) Predictions* For 2016
Something you may not know about me is that I have INCREDIBLE psychic abilities. I have decided to share this gift with you all and deliver my predictions for the coming year.*
*Accuracy Not Guaranteed
Teresa Mannion Becomes A Recluse
Growing weary of the media attention from her infamous weather report, Teresa builds a small cottage in Connemara with no WiFi or phone lines. When reached for comment she responds: 'I just couldn't deal with the groups of lads shouting about treacherous roads at me while I was just popping into Aldi to get some hummus.' She is only reachable by post, and can now swim in the sea all she wants.
Conor McGregor Is Elected Taoiseach
Although he wasn't even up for election, the amount of spoiled votes with his name on it means that the Notorious becomes the leader of our island. He makes it legally mandatory for men to wear pocket squares all the time, and government disagreements are now settled in the ring.
New Study Shows Bacon Doesn't Actually Cause Cancer
Lads, that old study about sausages and bacon being tasty cancer beacons will be revealed to be a hoax in 2016. We can all go back to our sausage and rasher sandwiches in peace. Cut the sausages in half obviously, we aren't animals.
Enda Kenny Uses The Word 'Bae' In A Speech
In a sad attempt to be relevant to young voters, Kenny starts to use internet slang in his statements. However, he doesn't realise that repealing the 8th amendment might actually win him the election.
People Are Bankrupted Because Of Increase In Weddings
Nobody thought about the financial aspect of the Yes vote. Now your wedding expenses are basically doubled, just so SOME PEOPLE can have EQUAL RIGHTS and like, be HAPPY and stuff.
Government Enforces Blanket Ban On Michael Kors Watches
A welcome move.
Hozier Revealed To Actually Not Be That Sound
Ireland's Soundest Man is actually living a lie. Footage will emerge of him kicking a puppy on the promenade in his hometown of Bray, and everything you thought about the world is turned upside down.
Instagram Forbids Engagement Hand Photos
The folks at Instagram will finally take action against one of the biggest scourges of social media. Users can report engagement photos to the company and they will be taken down, with a follow up comment at the end saying 'Your choice of ring is super tacky.'
Rescued Killorglin Donkey Releases Tell-All Book
'I Was Only Going For A Swim'