He might have been the love of your life since you first swapped saliva to the strains of Maniac 2000 at the local energizer disco, but there comes a time in every relationship when it’s make or break. If it’s “break”, there’s a very distinctive pattern of events…
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Apathy
Things have gotten really bad when you’d both rather watch Fair City than get the ride. You might be long past the stage when you attempt to hide applications of Veet to your upper lip and Sudocreme on your spots, but when you can’t recall the last no-pants dance – you know trouble is looming.
The Long Goodbye
Irish people are notoriously bad at confrontation. We’re also big fans of the Comfort Zone. The transition from the first “I’m not really feeling this anymore” niggle to verbalizing the “We need to talk” can take weeks, months, years. Settle in troops.
The Awkward Acknowledgement
Finally, things must come to ahead. Again, a nation of passionate and fiery lovers we are not. This conversation will be one of the most awkward and stilted of your entire life. Expect to hear a lot of the word “grand”.
Sing it Back
Post the TALK, when it’s all real and there’s no going back – the healing process must begin. Forget your Chardonnay and Ben & Jerry’s, you’re on the couch with a family pack of Chocolate Covered Kimberleys and a vat of Barry’s Tea, wailing Nothing Compares to You at the top of your lungs. (*Disclaimer – copious amounts of wine will follow, when your friends arrive with supplies.)
The Burn Book
The arrival of friends comes with an angel’s chorus of “I never liked him anyway, you’re WAY too good for him, it’s the best thing that ever happened to you – you just don’t know it yet” etc, etc. Prepare to have every one of his flaws pointed out to you in painstaking detail. Try not to pause and wonder why they never told you this when you and your ex were still together.
The Nightclub Snub
Your well-meaning friends will put up with your slump until the first Saturday night, then without fail slap some makeup on you and drag you to the nearest watering hole. Sod’s Law would have it that your ex will without doubt be there too.
Drop a Bomb On It
A Jagerbomb, that is. There’s only one thing for it when you get to this stage. Drink, dance and fake it when it comes to being merry. Fair warning: Your friends WILL approach the DJ and ask for Beyonce’s Single Ladies. You will be dragged to the dance floor. Resistance is futile.
The Ceremonial Shift
The first kiss after a LTR (long-term relationship) is a curious thing indeed. In an ideal world it would be with a dashing stranger who whisked you, a cosmopolitan and sophisticated woman who enchanted him the moment you crossed his path, off your feet. He’s only around for one night though – so it’s a case of seizing the moment before fate sends you on your merry way with only a perfect memory.
In reality, it will be after the jagerbombs and the Single Ladies dancing with one of two options: a complete randomer that you’ll see in your phone pics the next day and have no memory of, or some poor old soul who’s fancied you for years but you’ve always kept at arm’s length.
The Rumour Mill
Everyone you’re spotted with for the next six months at least will be a potential new love. Prepare to field a lot of questions.
The Friend of a Friend
Given that your social activities have gone from a night out once a month with the girls to every second weekday and every night at the weekend, you can be sure you’ll bump into the ex’s pals more than once. Many the Irish lady could tell a tale or two about the friend who greeted you post a few Guinness with a bear hug and the declaration that his best mate was never good enough for you. Then tried to lob the gob too.
Mammy Mourning
You may come a little quicker to the realization that everything was for the best and you’re Better Off Alone (90s kid Alice Deejay reference – yes, we went there). Mammy, on the other hand, is brokenhearted. Not so much to lose him, but on your behalf because you’re “back to scratch” and “you’re not getting any younger you know”. Facepalm.
Independent Woman
When you’ve danced your little feet off, sang your heart out at the top of your lungs and drank your local Spar out of the €8 bottle of white – you’ll dust yourself off, pick yourself up and thank God for good friends. You’re a ball-busting, glass-ceiling crushing, independent woman of the 21st century! And anyway, this has nicely freed you up for that inevitable run in with Chris Hemworth/Robert Downey Jr/Channing Tatum…
