Thirteen Things… That Only Happen At An Irish Mass

Whether it’s an annual trip at Christmas, or a family tradition you battle every Sunday, you’re guaranteed to have had some interesting ‘moments’ as a mass-goer. From catching up on all the local gossip, to lining up in your Sunday best here are some of the signs you’ve stumbled into an Irish mass… Squeaky Shoes You spent your pocket money buying these gorgeous shoes. Everyone knows they have to be worn as part of your Sunday best. Sure they’re only fabulous. And then you have to go up to communion. And you realise they’re squeakers. Yes the whole church can hear you and it’s a LONG way back to the pew. Fit of Giggles For anyone with a brother or sister, good luck sitting through 40minutes without muffling your laughter. It was usually thanks to an inappropriate joke, the priest’s voice breaking or whatever else you dreamed up while counting down the minutes. Your mammy of course looked on in horror. WHAT WOULD THE NEIGHBOURS THINK?! The Awkward Run-In Christmas mass is special for so many reasons. Whether it’s the promise you’re going home to the ultimate roast, or a catch-up with friends on the steps, you’re guaranteed to feel this one fly by. That is until you realise you’re standing next to the guy who you kissed outside the chipper after 12 pubs. And he’s with his mam, while wearing a ridiculous jumper for the occasion. You can’t look at each other and if you dare a conversation you’ll feel your cheeks burn red. You may as well be a jezebel, sure you can’t go anywhere nowadays. Singing Priest We have to say, some of the best moments from mass come from the priest himself. Whether it’s the unique storytelling skills or just the awkward habits you grow to love, he can be a local legend. Of course, if he breaks into song, he’s just won our undivided attention. This one’s for you, Fr. Ray Kelly Video via invitationlovejesus Phone Rings Out You were warned to “turn that bloody thing to silent”. Now it’s vibrating in your bag and you have death stares from down the pew. Now you’re REALLY praying. Praying it just goes to voicemail. Crazy Children You go home for a visit and went for “just the one” with a friend down the local. Next thing you know you’re dragged from the comfort of your duvet with a pounding headache and the worst hangover you could imagine. Of course there’s a screaming baby, and why not throw in the children who need to be tasered from running down the aisle? Somebody make it end. Coughing Fit There’s a tickle in your throat. You give a little cough convinced you just need to clear it out. Then it starts – an eruption of wheezing, gasping noises that makes it sound like you’re battling a 40 a day smoking addiction. You’re also aware you’re getting tuts from about half the pews. Nobody can hear the sermon, and they’re really not impressed. That's what happens when you spend an hour in the FREEZING cold. Numbing Ass Remember your ass. Never really thought about it before. Until you realise a church pew is the first time you realise you can’t feel it. Wait until the pins and needles kick in. We’re looking at you every communion/ confirmation/ wedding ceremony. We’re half dragging a leg walking out the front door. #MassTweets Only in Ireland did Christmas mass present a new trending topic on Twitter. From the awkward bench positions to taking out the ‘good car’ for mass, we’re on the countdown to this year’s collection.

Ah, Ireland. Where midnight mass is held 6 hours beforehand. #masstweets — Ireland / David (@ireland) December 24, 2013

  Sign of Peace (And Awkwardness) Ooh, are you stretching out your hand, am I meant to put out mine? Am I really waiting to shake your hand? Oh God, do I have to turn around? Why is it always the yellowed fingers of a cigar smoker that are dangling right in front of me. The sign of peace… bringing awkward mass moments since birth. The Subtle Sideways Glance You weren’t in mass for a while and suddenly there’s some new prayers. And when are you meant to stand or sit? Why don’t we just do a sideways glance… ok, they’re looking at me trying to work it out too. Nothing else to do but sit on the edge of the seat with your hands resting on the seat in front. Do not stand until you see everyone else moving first. You don’t need to quite literally stand out like a sore thumb. Why isn’t there a handy tip-off on the pamphlet?! Nod And Shake Your Head Awake He’s been talking for HOURS (ok, at least a good 20 minutes) and you’re trying, really trying, to look interested. You’re starting to relax, even daydream if you will, and then your head tips forward and jolts you awake. Don’t worry, there’s been at least three other shake-offs in the same sermon. The Bible needs a makeover. Or at least hand-puppets to keep us awake at this stage. The Christmas Nativity There’s always one child who steals the show. The ‘sheep’ who wanders into the birth of Jesus, or the Mary who runs off mid-scene thanks to a dose of stage fright. The Church alter will make or break your acting career. Fame came at a real price. Image via Telegraph.co.uk **Honorary Mention… Has to go the over-enthused church-goer. The local pillar of the community who probably helped shine the pews, decorate the church and recites the prayers at rapid speed with a booming voice. God help you if you sing over them at Communion. This is her gig, you just get to sit and watch.