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Published 20:39 14 Feb 2018 GMT
Updated 11:30 15 Feb 2018 GMT
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And as it turns out, I'm fairly okay with this set-up too.
You see, as a real-life single person, Valentine's Day doesn't really mean much more to me other than expensive gifts that no one can afford mid-month and also an excuse to eat food.
And I can do both of those things single, in my own home, and utterly alone thanks very much.
So if you, like me, are single and searching for something to busy yourself with this V-day night, look no further than the following list of fun, totally healthy, and not at all problematic things to do when you're alone on the most romantic day of the year.
1. Get a romantic meal-for-two takeaway all for yourself
Chicken Korma? Beef satay? Giant kebab?
Take your pick, it's Valentine's night and the food-world is your oyster because you can order as much as you want and everybody will just assume you're sharing with a loved one.
When the delivery lad comes a-knocking, you can even shout a brief "he's here, babe" back up the stairs, just so they don't know you're alone.
Ideal.
2. Learn a new craft
Ever wanted to take up knitting?
Now is your time, my friend.
3. Crash someone else's date
If you're absolutely hell-bent on going out tonight for some forced V-day fun, attending a friend's date without their knowledge is always an option.
The three of you could go see a movie together, enjoy a romantic dinner, or maybe even just kick back, relax, and watch the latest series of The Crown (it's very good).
And everybody loves a third wheel.
In theory, it would probably be better to clear this plan with your friend in advance lest you ruin their chances of something really special, but they can't get mad at you.
This is your day.
4. Watch Requiem for a Dream
If you can think of another movie that's less romantic and suitable for February 14 feel free to hit me up, I'd love to hear your suggestions.
In the meantime though, I'll be busy watching Jared Leto spend all his money on heroin and Ellen Burstyn slowly and methodically lose all grasp on reality due to her addiction to diet pills.
What a feel good film.
5. Pet an animal
Pets make everything better - including feelings of loneliness, boredom and even, in some cases, total betrayal.
If you don't have an animal this evening, acquire one.
There are tonnes of cats and dogs just waiting for you to come rescue them from animal shelters across the country.
If you do have an animal at hand, great. Force that animal to spend time with you by dangling their treat of choice in front of them.
They'll be bound to stick by your side for at least three hours which is more than you can say for your last relationship.
6. Sob gently
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