Beauty and the Beast? More like Beauty and the Feast your eyes on this pack of lies.
Watching the film through childhood eyes was magical. But if you revisit the classic today, it becomes very apparent that we were lied to, time and time again.
There wouldn’t be a sniff of a similar story happening today. There’s too many nonsensical elements that I will now proceed to detail. Sorry for ruining your childhood.
Roses last for 10 years
Do they flip. Countless times on a night out, I’ve acquired a rose and woken up to find it withered to within an inch of its life. If you’re cutting one from the garden, you’ll get maybe 3 weeks out of it, or from a florist we’re talking the bones of 2 weeks. The shelf life of roses is nowhere near 10 years and Walt Disney should fry for what he’s done. Unless the rose was meant to be like a Cadbury Rose, possibly the strawberry one, which can last anything up to 17 years unopened because they are vile. Even the Rose of Tralee changes each year, FFS.
You hang onto delph even when it’s hazardous
So apparently as an adult I’m going to keep cups in the house that have chunks missing out of them? AS IF. God forbid you’d have a visitor over and they leave the house looking like The Joker after falling victim to your hazardous delph. As soon as a cup leaves the dishwasher with so much as a scratch on it, that bad boy gets flung into the bin with the fury of Charlize Theron in Mad Max. Unless it’s your favourite cup, then you’d hang onto it but by Christ nobody else would be using it, let alone a visitor.
Household items are sentient objects
As a child watching Beauty and the Beast, I looked forward to the day that our household items would finally reveal themselves to be actual people with thoughts, feelings and French accents. This thought process was further encouraged after watching Toy Story and yet I am still, to this day, waiting patiently for a household object to strike up a conversation with me. I will even take the tumble drier at this point. Thanks Disney, for setting me up for a massive disappointment.
Mirrors provide you with anything other than disappointment
Oh cool, I can look into a mirror and see into the future? Brilliant. Can’t wait to get my hands on one of those. Oh, weird, they seem to be sold out in Argos and also everywhere else because THEY DO NOT EXIST. The only service mirrors provide is both sadness and disappointment. Why does my “future” look like a sad girl with a wonky eyebrow, absence of cheekbones and far too many freckles for winter? Oh grand that’s just my face 🙂
You can find love if you have a double cow’s lick
Belle was beautiful in every way, but even at a tender age, I had the presence of mind to recognise that homegirl had been inflicted with a double cow’s lick. Rather than opt for a side parting to conceal at least one of those bad boys, Belle decided to part her hair in the middle to expose both hideous afflictions. Not only did she have her flaws laid out bare for all to see, she somehow managed to attract the attention of TWO potential suitors. A likely story.
You can find love even if you are 98% body hair
Beast wasn’t a pretty sight, that’s fair to acknowledge. Even in a dapper suit with plaited hair, it was still very obvious that he was more hair than man. Yet Belle still fell in love with him?! Imagine the amount of food that would’ve got stuck in his fur, or the matted areas that would’ve needed cutting out? An actual beast with a double snaggle-tooth can find himself true love and I can’t even get a text back? What in the actual heck.
Beastiality is acceptable and celebrated
Not only did the talking household objects encourage Belle to give Beast a chance, they acted like thirsty wedding guests when the pair finally danced together. This isn’t something that translates to modern adult life. You can’t even marry your dog. Walt Disney gave girls and boys worldwide the unrealistic expectations that they could grow up to be romantically involved with a beast. Yet here we are, legalising gay marriage while there are human/beast couples patiently waiting for their love to be verified. It’s time for another #MarRef.
Images via Walt Disney
