Listen, we all poop.
I firmly believe that there is no nicer place in the world than the ladies’ bathroom. We’re all the best versions of ourselves in there, helping each other out and displaying a united sisterhood that would easily rival The Gilmore Girls.
There’s an unspoken set of rules that we all abide by. It’s rare you’d come across someone that is completely devoid of any knowledge of these rules, but they’re out there. This list is for them.
1. Smile at anyone you make eye contact with
It doesn’t need to be a big hearty smile, you’re not a lunatic. A simple twitch or tightening of the lips is enough to let your fellow patron know that you are aware of their presence and wish them the very best with their endeavours.
2. Coughing is an acceptable form of noise management
Maybe you need to open a pad or tampon and don’t fancy alerting the masses as to your intentions. A cute little cough won’t mask the noise, but it’ll let others know that you’re doing your best to keep the peace. A brief applause may even ensue to acknowledge your efforts.
3. Everyone must carry out their business promptly
If the stall beside you is worryingly silent, your fellow visitor is waiting for you to vacate the bathroom so they can get to work (in terms of pooping). Don’t linger and eye up your new peplum top in the mirror at every angle, just get out of there and let your sister do her business.
4. Mind each other
Thou shalt never allow a lady leave the bathroom with so much as a hair out of place. If her skirt is tucked into her knickers, it’s your civic duty to help her out and alert her to the misfortune, likewise with a scrap of toilet paper stuck to her shoe.
5. Be sound to your fellow patrons
If you hear a desperate plea for toilet paper or a feminine product, do your utmost to help this poor soul out. We’ve all been there, it’s a cruel affair that can only be lessened by the kindness of strangers. Do your good deed and rest assured that you will be looked after similarly in your hour of need.
6. Don’t laugh at accidental farts
This is upsetting to even have to write down, but the fact of the matter is that sometimes they just slip out. At the end of the day, we are all disgusting animals with bizarre body functions. If the gal beside you drops a comical toot mid flow, you better stifle that chuckle.
7. Be generous with your noise
If you notice that someone’s been in the cubicle for quite some time, it’s very likely they are suffering from stage fright. Stick on the hand dryer for longer than you need so they can work away in the comfort of judgemental ears being interrupted from listening.
8. Warn others of the bathroom’s shortcomings
Ladies, if the toilet you’re exiting has just run out of toilet roll, or was in too obscene a state for you to carry out your affairs, let the others know about it. It prevents others from having to go through the same ordeal as yourself, as well as offering up the opportunity to bond over the vulgarity of mankind.
9. Don’t be an animal
That seat needs a good wipe both before and after you’ve had your fun. Keep the place in decent order, if you throw something towards the bin and it misses, you better make sure you pick it up and correct the situation. Give the place a quick tidy, lick of paint and hoover, then exit that cubicle knowing it’s fit for The Queen.
10. Never, under any circumstances, hog the mirror
We get it, your eyeliner was applied at 7.30am and now you’re looking like a sad panda (because it is endangered and has been crying about that), but the bathroom is a hive of activity that needs to be respected. Huns need to wash their hands and you’re in the way. Take heed of Dublin 18’s nicest area and Stepaside.
