Virgin Mary’s Diary Entry – Day 259 Of Pregnancy

Dear Diary,

Christ, I'm the size of a house. Joseph took my measurements yesterday and we ran out of measuring tape. We had a good laugh about it, but I'm pretty sure the zoo is currently looking for an escaped hippo. As far as immaculate conceptions go, it's been a pretty decent pregnancy. Obviously, I didn't know I was pregnant for ages but since I found out, I've been doing all the proper things. Eating well, gave up smoking and Jägerbombs, exercising a bit and spreading the good (although far-fetched) word of the Lord. Haven't heard much from Himself since I 'fell' pregnant. Joseph is still a bit weird about the whole thing. Once he finally believed that I didn't cheat, things seemed to get back on track. But lately, he's been asking a lot of questions. I don't blame him, but at the same time, it's not that hard to believe. A powerful magic Man got me pregnant with his mind, Joseph. It's not rocket science! God made me do a photoshoot last week. It was so awkward, I had to wear this big white sheet over my head and do the weirdest poses. The top was nice, it had a cool pattern on it that I had to show off. I really wanted to do a gang sign but thought I probably shouldn't. Like I knew it would be tastefully done, but I'm not Rosanna Davison at the same time! My bump has really dropped this week and it's pushing on my bladder something wicked. I know he's the Son of God and all, but could he be a bit more gentle on me? Christ! I'm a bit bored at the moment, just want the baby out at this stage. Really wish Netflix had been invented, I'd horse into a series of The Office now or something. Might head out to the market tomorrow and buy a new camel - God, I'm such a shopaholic! Joseph and I have been working on a birthing plan. We're hoping to have a water birth at home. It just feels right. We've a paddling pool out the back for the dogs, so there wouldn't be too much planning involved. I want a natural birth, that's really important. There'll be no epidural entering my virginal body. I'll be sick if the birthing plan doesn't work out. I'm not giving birth on the side of the road for God's sake! [caption id="attachment_270540" align="alignnone" width="763"] Testing the waters - LOL![/caption] I'm a bit frightened of being a Mam. It's a lot of responsibility and this is no ordinary baby. Can't help but feel extremely unprepared. What does the Son of God eat for dinner? How long does homework take? Are The Morbegs unsuitable for young eyes? Hopefully, I'll figure all this out. Anyway, have to go. Joe's making a crib for the baby and I need to make sure he doesn't nail his hand to the bloody thing again, LOL. Talk soon, Mary x