“I Didn’t Mean ‘Whingers’ In The Traditional Sense” – Enda Kenny’s Diary Entry

How're things? Inda Kinny here, absolutely beside myself to be taking part in Her.ie's diary entry series. Lads I'm worn out! This election has been nothing short of a pain in the hole. If I could be so cheeky as to use this platform here, can I just say that you should absolutely vote for Fine Gael this Friday because we believe in [███REDACTED███] and not to mention all we do for[███ REDACTED███]. Suppose I should probably start by explaining that "whingers" comment I made at the weekend. I was in Castlebar, in my home county of Mayo, and the exact words I said went something like: "These people are All-Ireland champions when it comes to whingeing". Now folks, I'll be honest, I was thrilled with my little phrase "All-Ireland champions" and I still think it's very funny altogether. As a natural comedian, I'm going to share this inside information with you: Sometimes you get so fixated on a joke that you kind of forget what you're saying. This universally-funny phrase was bursting to get out of me, and rightfully so. Nobody mentioned any of the other hilarious jokes I dropped on stage. Typical! At the time, I was asked who I was referring to, which was the locals. Now, I've had time to have a think and also I got a right bollocking from my advisors, so I've decided it's better to say that I was referring to Fianna Fáil. Similar to a fully-functioning JCB on a building site, I might as well get a dig in while I'm here. Just in case anyone thinks I was calling the locals of Castlebar "whingers", which I was very accurately quoted as doing so, I would like to take this opportunity to also completely change the meaning of the word. I didn't mean "whingers" in the traditional sense, obviously. My understanding of the word "whingeing", is that it is an aviation term, pertaining to the wings on a plane. I actually have a background in aviation, which means I have a deep understanding of the terminology. With that information, it is very clear that I was saying that the people of Castlebar are flying high and have the ability to successfully navigate up to 300,000kg of cargo safely around the world. I was also saying that Fianna Fáil are a bunch of gobshites. It's surprising that I even have to clarify this when it was so blatant in my speech, but I suppose it comes with the territory. Another issue I'd like to bring up is my comparison to the villain in Nickelodeon's 'Doug'. I would like to go on the record as saying that I vehemently deny the recognition of any likeness between myself and Roger M. Klotz, both on physical and psychological grounds. I am not the school bully and I am certainly not interested in Patti Mayonnaise. If anything, I see myself as more of a Skeeter, in the sense that I am a fantastic dancer. I've a busy week ahead. I hope to christ Fine Gael can do the business on Friday, or I'll be the one whingeing then! (But just to clarify once more, I was not calling the people of Castlebar whingers and that money was just resting in my account). If I see anything as obscene as "It's the Enda Kenny" in the papers on Saturday morning, I'll be sick. Listen, take it handy, Enda x